Tag: attitude

Blah blah….

When everything in life lines up perfectly to cause maximum confusion

Have you ever had one of those days where you are determined to write something but just don’t know what to write about? I’m having one of those days today, I don’t even know what the title of the post is, hence I’ve just called it Blah, blah as a draft title.

I might keep it at that.

I look through all of the posts that i subscribe to and I’m immensely impressed by the frequency that some posters write at, you guys are so organised and regimented that i can be nothing more than mightily impressed. And i am. Well done all of you.

This site, as i have stated previously, on many occasions was put in place purely as an extension to the journal i used to keep by my bedside. However it has also extended to be a journal of my hobbies and interests, in no way was it ever to have a professional “Air” to it and to that extent i have been very successful.

I’m inherently aware that lately i have used this medium to whinge and moan about a number of things, one of those is the process (or should i say endurance) of moving home in the UK. Before you shut your computers down and redirect to a site on do it yourself lobotomies, I’m not going to go on about it too much in this post, i promise. I might just touch on it a teeny tiny bit, sorry.

So let’s get it over with. After the collapse of the chain on Monday, a new purchaser was in the frame by Wednesday, who had previously viewed the house and loved it. They were disappointed that we had sold, and left instructions with the agent that should things not work out then they would be happy to step in. Their dream came true and on Wednesday they officially committed to purchasing, however the price they were offering was lower than we wanted, you can’t win them all i guess. The whole process rides on them coming back again early next week, and to be honest it could still fall flat on its face. And it probably will. However the wife is now in a better state of mind and we have had some good discussion on how we carry things forward. Things are good, and we have plans. Either way, whatever happens it was meant to be. Just roll with the punches, that’s life.

See i told you it would be brief.

Now, health. I don’t normally talk health as it’s no one’s business apart from mine. And the wife’s. I’m fast approaching a landmark birthday, and as you get older, things start to happen. Things that make you question yourself, ”That’s never happened before”. Well, somethings occurred that has made me contact the doctor. And if you live in the UK you would generally understand that, that alone is no easy task. To partake in the 8am lottery to get a doctor’s appointment is no task for the weak hearted. How ironic, as that is exactly what my problem appears to be. The ultimate test of strength and endurance.

You get on the phone at 8am when the doctor’s appointments line opens, within 3 minutes you are number 32 in the queue, and at this point you realise there is probably no point at hanging on as you are not going to get to see anyone today. Just remain incapacitated and try and call back tomorrow, there’s a good lad!

No wonder many people just say, “sod it, what’s the point” and that’s probably why at this stage our entire hospital and A&E system is at bursting point. Crazy. The NHS is such a diamond, but it’s at a straining point that can’t be sustained, it just can’t handle the demands put upon it, and its the every day man and woman on the street that will eventually pay the price.

The good news is that prices for cremations have dropped in price, a classic sign of supply and demand being in perfect harmony.

My head is full of bloat at the moment, and i just had to unload some of it here, how do you writers put it all into some type of order? That’s what I don’t understand. Where do you get your motivation from?

My entire life is packed into boxes at the moment, and i really do miss the activities that gave me a little bit of artistic licence, I’m on all the auction sites at the moment just itching to push that “Buy now” button, but its hard….very hard. I already have 13 projects on WordPress currently in draft mode, awaiting completion but this entire process of moving home has sent my anxiety and patience levels through the roof, but I’m keeping it together somehow, i have to stay strong for my wife. However she is in exactly the same situation as me, and at times she well and truly puts me to shame. Selfishness has no position in a stable relationship, we are partners, and partners share the burden, rethink your attitude, refocus and share the burden. Simple as that.

So that’s today’s rant put to paper…or the cloud, and do i have a suitable title now? No I don’t. So Blah, blah it is then.

Stay safe. Have a beautiful day.

Thank god I’m a coward

There’s nothing wrong with being a coward. There are some risks just not worth taking.

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

Twice in my life I have been a coward. And I’m quite pleased that I was, in fact I have great comfort in being a coward, it has made me a better person. I took a risk on two occasions, but I was unable to follow through as intended,

Twice in the past I have tried to take my own life.

I’m writing this post, so as you can see I was unsuccessful.

Thank the Lord.

I took a risk, I didn’t want to take it, but was prepared to do so.

When you finally get to those places and times in your life, when you just can’t take no more, rational thought and actions go out of the window. For some reason you are unable to see a good outcome, nothing can release you from this blanket of blackness that has now surrounded you and has become your cocoon, the item that protects you from the outside world. Your waiting room between here and the other side….whatever and wherever that may be.

My first attempt was an overdose, I was only a teenager, probably about 17 – 18 years old, the result of a failed relationship that I probably thought was the best thing that had happened in my life, it wasn’t, that occurred about 7 years later when I met the love of my life who is with me today. Being a coward then, made me realise what I would have missed out on if I had not been a coward that day, life truly does get better, I was a teenager, I had little life experience but was ready to throw away the best and most precious gift I had ever been given – life. It’s that simple.

The second time was probably back in the early 90s, I was on the railway as a train guard/revenue officer. I had in a small period of time had a knife pulled on me on two separate occasions, I had been assaulted, and was also followed home where my home had all of its windows smashed – all because of the work I was doing. I duly had a breakdown. People who were friends and colleagues distanced themselves from me, in the 90s the mental side of things was a taboo subject, and I was now the target for ridicule and derision from those I worked with. I wandered on to the tracks of the north bound Northern line underground at Euston station, and was saved by a friendly individual working in the same business as me. I was very ill and was taken home, the only help i received was being given a couple of weeks off before resuming work in a light duties role with some of those that had only weeks before ridiculed me.

I had only been married a few months when this had occurred and I remember the reaction from my wife when she found out, she was beside herself, she had not known how I felt, I disguised things so well and she was rightly angry with me for not talking to her. But that’s not the done thing for us blokes is it?

But I was willing in those moments to give up on everyone who loved me, how bloody selfish was that?

Again though, I looked back again and thought to myself, what the hell are you doing? Those problems where solvable, they didn’t need to overwhelm me so much, nothing was that bad.

And there is where it lies.

Nothing is that bad that you really have to look at ending it all to solve your problems. I realise that now, and I’m so inherently thankful that I have that “coward” gene set firmly within my psyche.

When I think of all the fantastic things I have seen and done, all the wonderful people I have had the pleasure in meeting in that time, this would not have been at all possible if I’d decided to carry those actions out in the past.

I see the kids stressing out over exam results, struggling to meet their parents expectations, and thinking that they are failures, unfortunately you always hear of a few who succumb to that black cloak of depression. I just wish I could have a few minutes with them to just let them know how needed they are and how fabulous they are going to be. It’s such an unnecessary waste of wonderful people.

It’s strange to know I am still in the business of the railway, and to be honest I spend much of my time either reaching out to individuals or being the first on the scene when they are brave enough to carry out their final actions under that awful cloak of depression. I always say a prayer for them, and I sincerely hope they are at peace, but at the same time I also feel immense pain for those they have left behind asking that unanswerable question, “Why?”

I’m glad I’m a coward, and that my risk taking is minimal, I’ve been to some very dark places in the past, but now I handle things a great deal better. I love life so much, I love those around me and value the most simplest of things. Nothing is more precious than life. All life.

Sometimes you have to venture close to the edge to really appreciate just what you have got.

If you ever wobble, if you ever have those dark thoughts, reach out to someone. I promise you, nothing, nothing at all is really that bad.

I’m here. I’m a coward, and by god am I pleased about that.

Stay safe. Be kind.

Low worth, litter and hatred.

What’s the trait you value most about yourself?

I’ve always had a very low opinion of my self worth, and that’s not really bothered me through my life. It’s not the best trait though and sometimes little tweaks have to take place to just bolster things a little bit. I manage it ok and it causes me no issues. I guess I don’t like being knocked down, so staying low on the radar allows me to avoid such situations.

The trait I probably value the most is the ability, to arise early, and never be late for work or an appointment, and most of all knowing that others value me for my reliability, I’m always there when I need to be, and I don’t let minor colds or ailments get in my way.

I’ve had it mentioned on a couple of rare occasions that because I was delayed by traffic maybe, and was 5 minutes later than when I normally hand over at work, (even though I’m still not officially handing over for another 30 minutes) that they were worried that I’d driven into a ditch or something! That says something about their combined expectations and my reliability, come rain or shine, plague or pestilence, Dave can always be relied on.

So in a nutshell I value my reliability, and in close second place because I was brought up in an age when we were constantly told not to litter, I don’t litter at all. Every little bit of scrap no matter how small will sit in my pocket until I reach a suitable waste receptacle, that’s just me. It’s really easy and I’d suggest everyone tries it.

And in third place, but maybe it should be higher, I don’t use the word “Hate”. It’s a horrible word and so final and irreversible, whereas “dislike” can be worked on, the word hatred is final.

Have a super day.

We’ve found a place…and reality checks

Yesterday we viewed a house. We are both super impressed by it, and have instructed the solicitors to start work on it and have placed a holding fee upon said property.

The solicitors are already rubbing their grubby little hands, as within an hour of instructing them they are already asking for various payments in advance. I should have known.

The wife, in full supervisor mode

It’s a new home, on a site that I have passed more than a few times a day in the last two years of its construction, i witnessed the day they broke ground, so I know the area very well. It’s in a nice town about 12 miles from where we currently are, it’s pretty much all we are looking for. Believe me it will be our last move unless we hit big time on the National lottery. This so far is proving to be stressful beyond what I have ever experienced on previous moves.

Full supervisor mode

And I still believe the reason for that is the incompetence we have experienced in the early days of the selling experience. Confidence is still so exceptionally low that the sale will ever complete, and it’s strange that we cannot be excited as we are just waiting for the whole chain to collapse. We’ve never experienced such lethargy before and I can only put it down to how this whole process has evolved over the past few months. We’ve always been so excited and positive on previous sales we’ve completed before, this time though they have really kicked the trust and excitement out of us. We are but a shell of our former selves.

Anyway without sounding too dramatic, it will be what it will be. We are fortunate to have a home and if we end up staying here it is no loss at all. We are fortunate and must never forget that.

I spoke to my friend Ed today, he’s the guy I spoke about a few weeks back in my blog who has a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer in both his lungs and kidneys. He’s managing just superbly at the moment and his immunotherapy treatment is progressing just fine. Even despite his diagnosis he is so upbeat and chipper with a superb attitude.

And there’s me whining about a bloody house. What a prat. It was the kick in the pants I needed I tell ya.

It’s a horrible analogy I know, but someone is always worse off than you are.

I’m now saying thank you for what I have, everything I have been given, and for whatever I receive going forward. Just writing this post has made me go from down hearted and depressed to thankful and hopeful.

Thanks to my friend Ed, you have made me see sense and taught me a big lesson today. My friend, I wish you continued good health and I pray for you and your family on a daily basis.

Sometimes, a step back from a situation and a full evaluation of your current situation is all that is needed.

We all need to do a reality check from time to time. Today was that time for me.

And I am truly grateful for all I have in my life. I really need nothing else. Just be humble.

Have a super day my friends. Stay humble. Stay safe.

Ask someone else

How would you describe yourself to someone?

I’m not about to blow smoke up my own pipe, I really do find this question hard to answer, as I probably see myself totally differently from how others view me.

And that’s it.

It doesn’t really matter how I see myself, I guess the answer is in how you portray yourself in all aspects of your life. Work, leisure, hobbies, behaviours, fears, likes, loves – you name it. I know the person I’d like to be, but I’ll never get there unless I learn the truth and change my ways.

Contentment

There’s only one person I know that can truly describe me to someone, and that someone would be my wife. She knows me better than I know myself, she sees the good, bad and indifferent in me, and to be honest it works in the other direction too. My Wife would probably say she is calm and tolerant, but I’d have to pull her up there as I sometimes see a different side to her that no one else sees. Whereas I’d probably say I’m a people person and I know she’d laugh and pull me up and say I’m the total opposite. And of course she’d be right.

How many people will answer this prompt, and truly turn to someone who knows them only too well and ask them to “Fact check” their reasoning. I doubt many will, so does that mean we will all have either a too low, or even a too high opinion of ourselves?

Sometimes it’s best to get it from the mouth of someone you know well. They don’t do it to hurt your feelings, they are giving it to you straight, it’s up to you then to make changes to become that person you truly “think” you are, or want to be.

Have a good day.

Love, Anger and Hatred

What would you change about modern society?

Now I’m not going to go on saying what should and shouldn’t be done as I’d only come across as another whingeing old fart. You’d kind of expect in this day and age that everyone would have a sense of what’s good and what’s not, just as we had back in the day. We were mirrors if you like, of the way our parents were brought up and we learned what was good and bad from them. They weren’t always right and sometimes you just had to make minor adjustments to your life to filter out these “not so good” bits of advice and actions.

Anger

See, as you grow you develop your own ideas and definitions of what’s right and wrong. But not everyone is the same, as I’m sure you are all aware.

Everyday the news brings us absolutely awful stories of horror, regarding the way individuals as well as groups treat others, it really is so sad and soul destroying, the depths of depravity fellow humans can sink to. How do they learn this behaviour? Why do they behave in such a way? How do we rid society of this behaviour?

These are questions that have more than likely been asked throughout every generation. It’s always been that way. Horrifying incidents have occurred throughout history and today’s atrocities are no different.

Throughout history it’s been politics and religion, that have been the cause of the majority of issues on this planet, and that is still the case today, but there seems to be no room for bargaining as one side is always right and the other always wrong. That’s how it appears to the outsider looking in.

Now I rarely talk of either, and I’m not going to go into it here, I know that having a discussion regarding either is just like throwing a naked flame into a box of fire crackers and I’m not doing that. I’m just stating the obvious.

I have my views on both and they are private views. I don’t even discuss them with family. I have my faith and that is all that matters.

Modern society seems to have a large vein running through it that often appears to rupture. That vein is anger. You can walk into any town centre and you can just see it, you can feel it, and on some occasions you are subjected to it. Everyone seems so angry.

Mix that together with the two subjects mentioned above and you have a recipe for disaster where large proportions of the population now become targets of extreme hate. Yes the worst word in the world, and one I refuse to use at all has now crept in. Hate. Hate is an awful word, it’s so inflammatory and filled with anger. Please try not to use it, hate is so terminal with no wriggle room. Whereas you can always work with a dislike of something.

My father did awful things to us as a family, that I have touched on in previous posts. I don’t hate him. I dislike and disagree of what he did, but to hate him in my eyes, is just like allowing him to win, and I’m never letting him do that. Even in death he still controls us through what he did to us mentally, but he will never win, I will not allow that.

So if there was one thing I could change in modern society it would probably be getting a hold on Anger somehow. There’s a lot of it about and it is a cancer living amongst us that needs to be eradicated as soon as possible. How? I don’t know, that’s way above my pay grade, but we can all make a start by removing hatred from our own lives. We just don’t need it.

Have a superb day. Stay safe.

Losing track of time

Which activities make you lose track of time?

There is no doubt about it, that when I get involved in anything, one thing is guaranteed and that is, that you are going to get nothing but a full commitment of time and attention from me.

My main problem is that sometimes I immerse myself so deep that I sometimes struggle to get back out of the situation. Sometimes it maybe just be a helping hand that is needed and not a full scale immersion, and that’s where I sometimes struggle to find the fine line, it’s a personal issue I have always had.

I’ve learned a few harsh lessons in the past where a helping hand was all that was needed. The people I have been helping were either more than capable at completing the task, or had people with them that would have benefited more from participating in the task, rather than having me jump in and take over. I think I have become more aware of this now and even though I always wish to see a task through to its conclusion, I reluctantly stand by and am instead happy to offer advice if necessary. I just find it hard to take that step back occasionally.

I’m generally a busy person, just of my own making. I may not appear busy to the person passing by, however my brain is in overdrive keeping me busy or working something out within.

So in conclusion I’d say that pretty much all activities make me lose track of time. In some people that would probably make them bad timekeepers I’d guess, however that is again a problem I do not have. I like to help, though I guess my help may not always be appreciated, I just like to get involved, and I can be relied on to be there on time.

It must be horrible to have a wasted lazy lifestyle, however I do appreciate this is not the way everyone operates.

Maybe I need to lose track of time more often, just taking it easy. But hey, that’s just not me I’m afraid.

Have a super successful day folks

Garden therapy

Currently I’m in the west of London in the Sunbury on Thames area. I’ve brought my wife down to spend ten days with her friend as I’m about to embark on a long stint of night shifts. It will allow them to spend good time together. I shall be heading back to the East Midlands later today on my own.

Anyone who reads my posts will know that last year we spent a lot of time down here as her friend went through quite a bad episode of poor mental health. My wife assisted her through that, and helped put her on a care plan and arranged for her to have visits, so she could be checked on regularly to ensure she was receiving the necessary care and attention that she required.

I’m pleased to say all that worked out well, her friend has recovered and is back to her old self, confident and strong willed, you’d have thought nothing had happened. She has been weaned off her medications by the doctor, the welfare visits have ceased and it is so wonderful to see her back to her old self. We all need a little care and attention at times, and it certainly helps. And it’s good to have such a friend as my wife.

Azalea

And the above picture from her garden sums it all up for me. Last year there was none of this, the garden, though well kept lacked colour. This year it is so different and is ablaze with colour. This is what she is capable of, producing things of beauty just like this fantastic Azalea plant.

I’m lucky if my Azaleas get just a few flowers each year. She is so talented when it comes to gardening.

As I’ve always stated, never show envy, always turn that into appreciation and that’s what I have done here, she has such a talent, she is so capable and knowledgeable and I can only appreciate that I will be a better person, a better gardener by listening to the wisdom of those such as her.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Are you busy?

This is the first prompt for days that I’ve been able to answer as I’d already answered those others previously. I’m going to make a slight change to this prompt and remove the word “Hate”. I never use this word as it’s such an awful one, and unfortunately it’s too prevalent in our world at present. I’m going to use the word “Dislike” as dislike can always be improved upon rather than the other word that is just so final. Once Hate is in place. There really is no turning back. So here we go.

What is one question you dislike being asked? Explain

Anyone that keeps an eye on this blog and reads the content will know I’m an individual who likes to keep himself busy. Just look at the projects and stuff I’ve posted recently, and the fact I still have 18 posts still in draft mode and you will see I’m a busy guy. On top of that I am a full time employed individual with a house to run a garden to look after and a wife who loves spending (Bless her x)

My time is quite well planned, so when that phone call comes in asking me, “Are you busy?” That’s when I have a sharp intake of breath. Normally it involves fulfilling tasks for friends and family, giving time that is precious to me and in many cases already accounted for. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not mind helping anyone, there is no greater pleasure in seeing someone’s face light up at the end of a well done project. The thing is I take so many on, that it normally means the same job at my own home is being neglected, it’s always more fun doing the job at someone else’s property for some unknown reason though.

The reason I dislike being asked is that I just can’t damn well say no. Saying no makes me feel guilty but that’s just the guy I am. I guess to me it’s just like that word “Hate” it’s just not in my vocabulary.

So that’s why I dislike being asked this question as I’m just not wired to say “No”.

One day I’ll learn to say it. But that’s not today. And probably even tomorrow.

Hey ho.

Happy days everyone.

Eh….yes! Sorry

Have you ever unintentionally broken the law?

I’d be a liar if I said no. And so would a large percentage of everyone else.

The Uk is full of laws. Bye laws, little sub laws that we all fall foul of from time to time. Whether it be parking on a kerb in a hurry, accidentally dropping litter, allowing your dog to foul in a public area we are all guilty.

Come to Leicester and the quality of driving will shock you. There are probably third world countries (I don’t like that term) who have better road behaviours than what you witness up here. No one pays any attention to traffic lights, and by the way, Leicester have more traffic lights per mile than any other town and city in the Uk! Thanks for that you town planners.

Red lights here just mean go faster, you really do take your own life in your hands attempting to cross a road up here. Add to that everyone’s journey is more important than yours, and then that’s what adds to all the speeding and racing on open public roads. It really is utter madness.

Petty theft is high up here, shop owners lose an absolute fortune, however this seems to be a trend across the whole Uk as certain members of the general public decide, “ Damn, why should I pay? Nothing is going to happen to me anyway.” So under the coat it goes and then it’s away. The Police forces here are struggling to address this epidemic that is spreading across our entire country.

Personally it’s something I’ve never knowingly done, but if I did get away with not paying with something for some obscure reason, i very much doubt I’d go back to correct the situation. They’d have been a time when I would have, but I probably would not now. How times and attitudes have changed.

And this is it. It seems that petty crime, the breeding ground for more advanced crime has not been nipped in the bud and the consensus is, if they can get away with it then why can’t I?

Bang – there’s the problem. It needs addressing urgently.

So yes I have broken the law unintentionally on many occasions and I guess that’s the way it will be for the foreseeable future.

Attitudes and perceptions of right and wrong have changed, and in the good old fashioned way of following each other like sheep, that’s the way it will continue going. We lack guidance from the authorities, we have no shepherd to guide us anymore.

We have no law makers or politicians that have the necessary backbone anymore. And without good leaders you will never have committed followers.

Right, I’m off to probably break some unknown law or bye law. And I haven’t even risen from my bed yet. It’s a crime to be awake at this time.

Stay safe. Peace.