Tag: depression

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

Twice in my life I have been a coward. And I’m quite pleased that I was, in fact I have great comfort in being a coward, it has made me a better person. I took a risk on two occasions, but I was unable to follow through as intended,

Twice in the past I have tried to take my own life.

I’m writing this post, so as you can see I was unsuccessful.

Thank the Lord.

I took a risk, I didn’t want to take it, but was prepared to do so.

When you finally get to those places and times in your life, when you just can’t take no more, rational thought and actions go out of the window. For some reason you are unable to see a good outcome, nothing can release you from this blanket of blackness that has now surrounded you and has become your cocoon, the item that protects you from the outside world. Your waiting room between here and the other side….whatever and wherever that may be.

My first attempt was an overdose, I was only a teenager, probably about 17 – 18 years old, the result of a failed relationship that I probably thought was the best thing that had happened in my life, it wasn’t, that occurred about 7 years later when I met the love of my life who is with me today. Being a coward then, made me realise what I would have missed out on if I had not been a coward that day, life truly does get better, I was a teenager, I had little life experience but was ready to throw away the best and most precious gift I had ever been given – life. It’s that simple.

The second time was probably back in the early 90s, I was on the railway as a train guard/revenue officer. I had in a small period of time had a knife pulled on me on two separate occasions, I had been assaulted, and was also followed home where my home had all of its windows smashed – all because of the work I was doing. I duly had a breakdown. People who were friends and colleagues distanced themselves from me, in the 90s the mental side of things was a taboo subject, and I was now the target for ridicule and derision from those I worked with. I wandered on to the tracks of the north bound Northern line underground at Euston station, and was saved by a friendly individual working in the same business as me. I was very ill and was taken home, the only help i received was being given a couple of weeks off before resuming work in a light duties role with some of those that had only weeks before ridiculed me.

I had only been married a few months when this had occurred and I remember the reaction from my wife when she found out, she was beside herself, she had not known how I felt, I disguised things so well and she was rightly angry with me for not talking to her. But that’s not the done thing for us blokes is it?

But I was willing in those moments to give up on everyone who loved me, how bloody selfish was that?

Again though, I looked back again and thought to myself, what the hell are you doing? Those problems where solvable, they didn’t need to overwhelm me so much, nothing was that bad.

And there is where it lies.

Nothing is that bad that you really have to look at ending it all to solve your problems. I realise that now, and I’m so inherently thankful that I have that “coward” gene set firmly within my psyche.

When I think of all the fantastic things I have seen and done, all the wonderful people I have had the pleasure in meeting in that time, this would not have been at all possible if I’d decided to carry those actions out in the past.

I see the kids stressing out over exam results, struggling to meet their parents expectations, and thinking that they are failures, unfortunately you always hear of a few who succumb to that black cloak of depression. I just wish I could have a few minutes with them to just let them know how needed they are and how fabulous they are going to be. It’s such an unnecessary waste of wonderful people.

It’s strange to know I am still in the business of the railway, and to be honest I spend much of my time either reaching out to individuals or being the first on the scene when they are brave enough to carry out their final actions under that awful cloak of depression. I always say a prayer for them, and I sincerely hope they are at peace, but at the same time I also feel immense pain for those they have left behind asking that unanswerable question, “Why?”

I’m glad I’m a coward, and that my risk taking is minimal, I’ve been to some very dark places in the past, but now I handle things a great deal better. I love life so much, I love those around me and value the most simplest of things. Nothing is more precious than life. All life.

Sometimes you have to venture close to the edge to really appreciate just what you have got.

If you ever wobble, if you ever have those dark thoughts, reach out to someone. I promise you, nothing, nothing at all is really that bad.

I’m here. I’m a coward, and by god am I pleased about that.

Stay safe. Be kind.