Tag: good

When is a dad not a dad?

This could also be titled, “When is a mum not a mum?”

I married my dear wife over 30+ years ago now, and to say she has been the stabiliser of my life would be an understatement, the rudder to my boat, you get the point I’m a lucky guy.

However we knew very early on in our marriage that we would not be having children, and that was difficult at the start. Not as much to me as, to be honest, children weren’t really in my plans at that early stage, but to my wife, she viewed it as if it was her duty to produce a child, she was a woman after all and she dearly wanted a child. And I’d do anything to make her life complete. However this was never going to be a dream come true in our life time as unfortunately and for reasons I won’t discuss here, we were dealt the bum deal as they say. It wasn’t to be. We were to remain childless.

Those first ten years of our marriage were an immense test of our feelings for each other, I’d come home at times and often find her crying for the child she could never have, and yes my heart broke every time, it was a very sad period in our lives. We explored every possibility, in the early days when Kim Cotton was the first in the UK to venture into surrogacy, we followed that closely and were considering the possibility of going down that same route, it was early days and there were lots of pitfalls and heartbreak stood in each corner of the decision making progress. It was fraught with problems and legal issues. We stepped away from this opportunity, reluctantly.

Back in the early 90s the adoption process was not as open as it is nowadays, we just wouldn’t have been considered, it was so selective and as we were quite young and in local government housing at the time, we wouldn’t have even got through the initial application stages, oh how times have changed.

There’s a strange feeling taking your wife to baby shops such as “Mothercare” to chose prams and a decor for the child you would never have, we knew we would never be buying but it was “fun” in a weird sense as we learned a lot about how life would have been if we were dealt a fairer set of cards.

Then the younger members of the family started having children of their own, I thought things would be worse for us as I was worried about my wife’s reaction to all these upcoming births. I needn’t had worried, as this turned out to be the point in our married life where it all changed for the better.

We pretty much became permanent baby sitters, it’s fair to say we probably witnessed more periods of excitement and firsts in their little life’s than their own parents did, it was fantastic, and we could hand the nippers back at the end of the day, even though we did have the occasional overnight stay.

That was definitely the turning point, and my wife changed when this occurred, she was accepting of the fate she had been dealt, but she now had what she wished for, children to look after.

We had brilliant days out with them kids, we did all the stuff you just do and we could now visit those shops to buy gifts for these little visitors that we had been gifted the chance to look after.

We even witnessed teenage angst

To this day those kids, or should I say young adults spend so much time with us, they’ve even joined us on a recent holiday and the relationship we have with them is fantastic. They have grown up to be beautiful souls and it’s nice to think we played a part in their stories. We still ask each other what we think our kids would have been like, and often comment that if they are just like the nieces and nephews we helped bring up, then we couldn’t do much better than that.

The prompt for this post was encouraged by the fact that even though we are the only childless couple in our family, every Mother’s Day and Father’s Day we are showered with cards and gifts, and whilst I question it every year it’s their way of showing their appreciation, and just saying thank you.

I’ve sent them all a WhatsApp message telling them what I have purchased with their gift cards, as I like them to know where it’s been spent. This year I’ve purchased some new tools and a special extraction fan for my soldering, just so I can stay around and appreciate them a little longer. They and their parents changed our life’s for the better.

I should really be thanking them. But they know I’m always here for them. I’m not a dad, but they make me feel so much like a dad. ❤️

Thanks for passing by. Stay blessed and try to be happy.

Not a University degree

What makes a good leader?

Sorry if that title upsets a few but that’s exactly how it is in my view. I’m in a business where we actively take on graduates who have come from universities who instantly come into these roles where many years experience is normally the requirement, prior to proceeding in that role.

I’m not knocking the student, but just because you’ve been in study for a number of years and now have a degree in political history, this does not help you in an engineering rich environment. It’s wrong. A leader needs life experience, and I think it is unfair to place an individual with no such experience in a role that needs this expertise along with long gained trust. They need to wait a while, get comfortable and get a few years experience under their belts.

I guess this is my companies fault for pretty much setting these individuals up to fail, but to be honest my company is pretty good at doing this with anyone it employs.

Apparently, and depending on where you search there are a number of traits that make a good leader, here are just five that I believe to be the basic qualities required.

  • Calmness
  • Clarity
  • Objectivity
  • Empathy
  • Decisiveness

I’d also add to that, “Common sense” you can be the brightest button on the earth but have not a single ounce of common sense. I have this in my own family circle it’s not a thing that can be taught, it’s a life learning event, some people have quite a bit of it still to do. It will come with age and experience.

That said we will always assist individuals parachuted in to these roles, however it can be hard on the individual and sometimes tough for them personally. So let’s expand the above list now to seven by adding these two further traits and calling it a day.

  • Common sense
  • Experience

I’ve experienced this now in excess of thirty years within my role. In that time I have had many Managers but I can count the good leaders on two fingers of one hand.

Anyone can be a manager, absolutely anyone it’s just an excuse to throw extra work and responsibility at someone with little remuneration, but only a rare few can be a good leader.

Have a peaceful and pleasant day.

Thoughts 12/5/24

Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

I won’t delve too deep into this question as I’m sure I’ve answered something similar in the past. But here goes.

Mum

My mum was lovely, a beautiful person however she spent her life in the shadow of an overwhelming bullying individual – my father. He was a nasty piece of stuff, people loved him and thought he was the life of the party, but behind closed doors he was probably one of the most disliked and evil individuals you could ever have the displeasure of meeting. He only ever influenced me to make sure I never grew up like him.

Mum though, I love and miss so much. She was such a gentle and caring individual, she certainly did not deserve a life with him, however as always happens in coercive relationships she loved him and wouldn’t have anything said against him.

She taught me to look after myself, she taught me good from bad, she taught me the meaning of manners and respect and pretty much single handedly was my queen and protector.

There’s very few individuals who I think of daily, and mum is one of them.

What she sacrificed for me, I hope I gave back to her, as even in her later years when she was in her 70s and ill with bowel cancer that evil bastard of a father still bullied her. But I was now able to protect her from him and she is the one who taught me that, it’s as if i was being prepared for that role.

I learned not to envy but to admire. Do not hate, as that is a harsh and horrible attitude, and as you can see that word is not used in this post at all, even though we probably had more of a right than most people to use it. Be respectful to others and listen. I still use these teachings to this day.

She spoke beautiful words to my wife and I on her deathbed, and I will treasure those last moments forever. They are private and will forever remain so.

I was fortunate to have such a loving and caring mother. I know not every child in this big old world shares such good fortune, I just hope they can find a light in life to follow.

Peace to all.