Tag: marriage

When is a dad not a dad?

This could also be titled, “When is a mum not a mum?”

I married my dear wife over 30+ years ago now, and to say she has been the stabiliser of my life would be an understatement, the rudder to my boat, you get the point I’m a lucky guy.

However we knew very early on in our marriage that we would not be having children, and that was difficult at the start. Not as much to me as, to be honest, children weren’t really in my plans at that early stage, but to my wife, she viewed it as if it was her duty to produce a child, she was a woman after all and she dearly wanted a child. And I’d do anything to make her life complete. However this was never going to be a dream come true in our life time as unfortunately and for reasons I won’t discuss here, we were dealt the bum deal as they say. It wasn’t to be. We were to remain childless.

Those first ten years of our marriage were an immense test of our feelings for each other, I’d come home at times and often find her crying for the child she could never have, and yes my heart broke every time, it was a very sad period in our lives. We explored every possibility, in the early days when Kim Cotton was the first in the UK to venture into surrogacy, we followed that closely and were considering the possibility of going down that same route, it was early days and there were lots of pitfalls and heartbreak stood in each corner of the decision making progress. It was fraught with problems and legal issues. We stepped away from this opportunity, reluctantly.

Back in the early 90s the adoption process was not as open as it is nowadays, we just wouldn’t have been considered, it was so selective and as we were quite young and in local government housing at the time, we wouldn’t have even got through the initial application stages, oh how times have changed.

There’s a strange feeling taking your wife to baby shops such as “Mothercare” to chose prams and a decor for the child you would never have, we knew we would never be buying but it was “fun” in a weird sense as we learned a lot about how life would have been if we were dealt a fairer set of cards.

Then the younger members of the family started having children of their own, I thought things would be worse for us as I was worried about my wife’s reaction to all these upcoming births. I needn’t had worried, as this turned out to be the point in our married life where it all changed for the better.

We pretty much became permanent baby sitters, it’s fair to say we probably witnessed more periods of excitement and firsts in their little life’s than their own parents did, it was fantastic, and we could hand the nippers back at the end of the day, even though we did have the occasional overnight stay.

That was definitely the turning point, and my wife changed when this occurred, she was accepting of the fate she had been dealt, but she now had what she wished for, children to look after.

We had brilliant days out with them kids, we did all the stuff you just do and we could now visit those shops to buy gifts for these little visitors that we had been gifted the chance to look after.

We even witnessed teenage angst

To this day those kids, or should I say young adults spend so much time with us, they’ve even joined us on a recent holiday and the relationship we have with them is fantastic. They have grown up to be beautiful souls and it’s nice to think we played a part in their stories. We still ask each other what we think our kids would have been like, and often comment that if they are just like the nieces and nephews we helped bring up, then we couldn’t do much better than that.

The prompt for this post was encouraged by the fact that even though we are the only childless couple in our family, every Mother’s Day and Father’s Day we are showered with cards and gifts, and whilst I question it every year it’s their way of showing their appreciation, and just saying thank you.

I’ve sent them all a WhatsApp message telling them what I have purchased with their gift cards, as I like them to know where it’s been spent. This year I’ve purchased some new tools and a special extraction fan for my soldering, just so I can stay around and appreciate them a little longer. They and their parents changed our life’s for the better.

I should really be thanking them. But they know I’m always here for them. I’m not a dad, but they make me feel so much like a dad. ❤️

Thanks for passing by. Stay blessed and try to be happy.

End of life

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

That has to be ending the life of a much loved and cherished member of the family, a pet.

In our married life we have had three wonderful little Bichon Frise dogs, who we have rightly or wrongly treated as our children, they have wanted for nothing and had the best that we could bestow on them. We have never had children as we can’t, we obviously upset someone in a previous life and that privilege and pleasure has been taken away from us. We needed surrogates and the dogs were those stand ins. We were very happy.

There comes a time where you have to let go, you notice changes in an animals behaviour, the little whimpers, the constant sleep and the inability to do things, the little looks you get and the realisation that their quality of life is deteriorating. Decisions have to be made.

That final journey to the vets, me driving, my wife cuddling the little package on the back seat and the fight to see through the flood of tears that are clouding your eyes.

The vets bench, the dogs wagging his tail, he’s ok you think, but he’s not. The injection to subdue him, he rests, the second injection and then he’s gone.

The lonely drive home knowing you have left a family member behind, the sadness you are going to feel everyday going forward.

The little things you miss, the what ifs? that suddenly come to mind and the guilt you feel for ending a perfect little life.

We’ve done that three times now and it hurts so damned much, I don’t think we will ever be able to do it again as the pain is just unbearable.

Life is full of hard decisions, but when it ends in the death of a much loved companion, I just don’t think there are many such decisions that are harder to make.

Peace to all. Be safe.