What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?
I’ve never actually considered this question before, and to be honest I had to look at some other blog posts that I follow to get some clarity on what was being documented.
Now I’m not in anyway looking for sympathy or kind words, and for that reason I will make this a no comment post, but the only part of my routine I really would like to skip is when waking up in the morning, I’m always very down on myself, self flagellating if you like, over what I should have done or what I should be doing. I love putting myself down and that sets me up for a lot of hill climbing and wall building right from the moment of awaking.
Now some would put a positive spin on this and say, “ as long as you are beating yourself up, no one else is doing it to you” and that may be so, but it becomes very tiring when you’ve been doing that pretty much all of your adult life. Now I do have coping mechanisms and i have them securely entwined within my daily operation. I’m not sad, I’m happy, I’m not depressed as I try not to venture down that dark avenue, but just like most I have my good days and bad days, and I just get on, as do the majority of the people on this big old planet, I’m nothing exceptional in that case. I’m certainly not well off financially, but I’m happy and grateful of my lot. I’m fortunate to have a lot of love surrounding me, and in that case I’m probably extremely wealthy ❤️
So, in a nutshell it would be nice for one morning to just wake up and not go into fight mode with myself, I’m not going to say I’m perfect as no one is, but I deserve better, I can love others with no issue at all, i just wish I could show some of that love to myself.
You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?
Truthfully, and from my own personal point of view it would be: eternal happiness, better health and a guaranteed life security for my family.
In keeping with the majority of the population and at risk of sounding like a contestant in the Miss World contest it would be: Respect for all, World Peace and the end to famine.
The second paragraph though made up for political correctness and to pacify a world TV audience is probably what, in truthfulness, we would all want, and to be honest, if it could be obtained then everything in the first paragraph would easily be achieved.
With no mention of money.
If everything in paragraph two was achievable, you’d be amongst the richest people in the world. We all would.
There’s nothing wrong with being a coward. There are some risks just not worth taking.
What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?
Twice in my life I have been a coward. And I’m quite pleased that I was, in fact I have great comfort in being a coward, it has made me a better person. I took a risk on two occasions, but I was unable to follow through as intended,
Twice in the past I have tried to take my own life.
I’m writing this post, so as you can see I was unsuccessful.
Thank the Lord.
I took a risk, I didn’t want to take it, but was prepared to do so.
When you finally get to those places and times in your life, when you just can’t take no more, rational thought and actions go out of the window. For some reason you are unable to see a good outcome, nothing can release you from this blanket of blackness that has now surrounded you and has become your cocoon, the item that protects you from the outside world. Your waiting room between here and the other side….whatever and wherever that may be.
My first attempt was an overdose, I was only a teenager, probably about 17 – 18 years old, the result of a failed relationship that I probably thought was the best thing that had happened in my life, it wasn’t, that occurred about 7 years later when I met the love of my life who is with me today. Being a coward then, made me realise what I would have missed out on if I had not been a coward that day, life truly does get better, I was a teenager, I had little life experience but was ready to throw away the best and most precious gift I had ever been given – life. It’s that simple.
The second time was probably back in the early 90s, I was on the railway as a train guard/revenue officer. I had in a small period of time had a knife pulled on me on two separate occasions, I had been assaulted, and was also followed home where my home had all of its windows smashed – all because of the work I was doing. I duly had a breakdown. People who were friends and colleagues distanced themselves from me, in the 90s the mental side of things was a taboo subject, and I was now the target for ridicule and derision from those I worked with. I wandered on to the tracks of the north bound Northern line underground at Euston station, and was saved by a friendly individual working in the same business as me. I was very ill and was taken home, the only help i received was being given a couple of weeks off before resuming work in a light duties role with some of those that had only weeks before ridiculed me.
I had only been married a few months when this had occurred and I remember the reaction from my wife when she found out, she was beside herself, she had not known how I felt, I disguised things so well and she was rightly angry with me for not talking to her. But that’s not the done thing for us blokes is it?
But I was willing in those moments to give up on everyone who loved me, how bloody selfish was that?
Again though, I looked back again and thought to myself, what the hell are you doing? Those problems where solvable, they didn’t need to overwhelm me so much, nothing was that bad.
And there is where it lies.
Nothing is that bad that you really have to look at ending it all to solve your problems. I realise that now, and I’m so inherently thankful that I have that “coward” gene set firmly within my psyche.
When I think of all the fantastic things I have seen and done, all the wonderful people I have had the pleasure in meeting in that time, this would not have been at all possible if I’d decided to carry those actions out in the past.
I see the kids stressing out over exam results, struggling to meet their parents expectations, and thinking that they are failures, unfortunately you always hear of a few who succumb to that black cloak of depression. I just wish I could have a few minutes with them to just let them know how needed they are and how fabulous they are going to be. It’s such an unnecessary waste of wonderful people.
It’s strange to know I am still in the business of the railway, and to be honest I spend much of my time either reaching out to individuals or being the first on the scene when they are brave enough to carry out their final actions under that awful cloak of depression. I always say a prayer for them, and I sincerely hope they are at peace, but at the same time I also feel immense pain for those they have left behind asking that unanswerable question, “Why?”
I’m glad I’m a coward, and that my risk taking is minimal, I’ve been to some very dark places in the past, but now I handle things a great deal better. I love life so much, I love those around me and value the most simplest of things. Nothing is more precious than life. All life.
Sometimes you have to venture close to the edge to really appreciate just what you have got.
If you ever wobble, if you ever have those dark thoughts, reach out to someone. I promise you, nothing, nothing at all is really that bad.
I’m here. I’m a coward, and by god am I pleased about that.
A year ago today we lost our little dog Alf. It’s been a tough year and I must say time has not been a good healer, it’s as tough now as it was back then and he’s left a massive void in our family structure.
I’d say now that if you aren’t an animal lover then read no further. You wouldn’t understand.
However if you have a modicum of appreciation for a species that loves another being, unconditionally, then please read on.
I’m not about to blow smoke up my own pipe, I really do find this question hard to answer, as I probably see myself totally differently from how others view me.
And that’s it.
It doesn’t really matter how I see myself, I guess the answer is in how you portray yourself in all aspects of your life. Work, leisure, hobbies, behaviours, fears, likes, loves – you name it. I know the person I’d like to be, but I’ll never get there unless I learn the truth and change my ways.
Contentment
There’s only one person I know that can truly describe me to someone, and that someone would be my wife. She knows me better than I know myself, she sees the good, bad and indifferent in me, and to be honest it works in the other direction too. My Wife would probably say she is calm and tolerant, but I’d have to pull her up there as I sometimes see a different side to her that no one else sees. Whereas I’d probably say I’m a people person and I know she’d laugh and pull me up and say I’m the total opposite. And of course she’d be right.
How many people will answer this prompt, and truly turn to someone who knows them only too well and ask them to “Fact check” their reasoning. I doubt many will, so does that mean we will all have either a too low, or even a too high opinion of ourselves?
Sometimes it’s best to get it from the mouth of someone you know well. They don’t do it to hurt your feelings, they are giving it to you straight, it’s up to you then to make changes to become that person you truly “think” you are, or want to be.
My dear brother John succumbed to the “Bastard” that is Cancer ten years ago.
He was a lovely guy, fun to be with and the family compared him to a character who used to be on UK television called “Arthur Daley”. Anyone who knew that character would know why we made the comparison with John, as he’d be involved in everything all totally Kosher of course….cough,cough.
A decision was made at his wake that we’d have a family day, once a year at one of his favourite spots, Cassiobury park in Watford. And yesterday was the tenth anniversary meeting, it was a lovely day, however the weather didn’t really behave itself. Despite Watford have plus 30 degree days for getting on for a week now, yesterday the rain decided to hit in near biblical quantities. But did it dampen the day? No, we all had a great time and it was great to see everyone.
Cassiobury park in Watford
I lived for 54 years in Watford and never really liked the place, I really dislike going there but sometimes you just do what you have to do. It’s no big sacrifice is it? But there is no doubt about it that the park at Cassiobury is one of the finest, most beautiful public spaces I have ever visited in this country, it really is a stunning well kept and huge piece of parkland that you really should visit if you are ever in the area.
The normal agenda is for us all to meet at a local hotel and then wander off to the park with a picnic, seats and numerous bats, balls, frisbees and whatever, to have a good afternoon of laughter and sporting activity, that normally results in aches, pains and strains for the older participants that I can truly relate to as I write this post this morning.
There were 21 of us on this on this occasion, from all around the country, Southampton, Leeds, Wales and everywhere else in between. It really was a superb turnout and just shows how much John was loved.
A good turnout, the weather held out for a while
I often like to have a wander, and as I previously stated it’s a massive park and deserves to be explored so here are a few pics to show it off
A lovely clean park
About 5pm the weather was drawing in and we decided to move out of the park, however we weren’t quick enough, the rain hit – heavy, and we were caught out. Thankfully we had some umbrellas ☔️ and we made our way back towards the hotel. Myself and my wife were bringing up the rear and we stopped under a tree, in the park and just watched the rain. It was beautiful, a calm and lovely moment in a world of total chaos, the only two people in our own little world, it was just one of those photographic moments that your mind creates for future reference.
The rain hit, and created a beautiful memory
Back to the hotel to dry off, and then we were out to a local eatery for a meal, 21 people into a restaurant is a feat of organisation itself, and thanks go to the ladies in the group for doing that without a hitch.
We left Watford about 10pm for a drive back to the East Midlands, we said our goodbyes, made arrangement for a couple of other gatherings that are on the horizon, and had probably our best run home up the motorway that we’d had in many a year.
A superb day was had by all, it reminds me of a picture that was displayed at Johns funeral that made everyone laugh.
Says it all
Sums him up perfectly and had everyone who knew him smiling and grinning whilst nodding in agreement. It was him. And this is how we remember him.
We have a date for next years gathering, and I can’t wait.
Memories, there is nothing like creating wonderful memories. People may physically be gone from our lives, but they are never, ever, forgotten.
Just as Neil Diamond serenaded us in 1976 in the middle of a summer heatwave, it was the first song that came to my head when I awoke around 06:30 this morning.
A nice amount of water above us
It was raining. The UK, or at least our little bit of it up here in the East Midlands has been under heatwave conditions for a few weeks now. We haven’t seen a good rainfall for a couple of months now, only the occasional spot of rain, but not sufficient to fill a hollow tooth….of a mouse.
It has been proper raining today, and it reminds me that in one of the upper gutter systems i have a joint that needs attention as it leaks a constant metronomic amount of water on to the downstairs conservatory roof, giving a constant, tap, tap, tap that is somewhat comforting to listen to. My water collection butts around the house are all nicely filling as a result with good fresh water that the plants and baskets love and crave.
It’s a beautiful sound.
I know there are parts of the world that probably only hear or feel this kind of weather on very rare occasions, and for those people, when it does finally arrive it must be super special and spectacular.
But they manage.
Where as here in the Uk or any other part of the so called developed western world, a week without rain and the whole nation starts to panic, water companies that are ripping us off with their inflated prices are telling us to cut down, and then the nanny state kicks in with its list of things you must and mustn’t do. It’s crazy, we’re in a crazy world.
But my part of that world just lays here quite content, I have my metronomic drip to comfort me, I have a cup of tea beside me, and my whole world lays beside me in a comfortable and cool slumber, totally unaware of the weather situation developing around us. She will be happy when she awakes. The plants are happy, the birds are content and for a brief moment the world is good.
Then the weather report comes up saying we are in for another heatwave next week. Oh well, that didn’t last long did it. A brief reprieve from the intense heat was nice, but I can’t complain at seeing the sun, as to be honest that will soon be gone and we will go through a long autumn and winter all praying for its swift return. We can’t have it all, can we?
But it is an absolutely beautiful noise isn’t it?
Have a super day, enjoy the rain, sun or whatever you have in your region. Just stay safe.
This could also be titled, “When is a mum not a mum?”
I married my dear wife over 30+ years ago now, and to say she has been the stabiliser of my life would be an understatement, the rudder to my boat, you get the point I’m a lucky guy.
However we knew very early on in our marriage that we would not be having children, and that was difficult at the start. Not as much to me as, to be honest, children weren’t really in my plans at that early stage, but to my wife, she viewed it as if it was her duty to produce a child, she was a woman after all and she dearly wanted a child. And I’d do anything to make her life complete. However this was never going to be a dream come true in our life time as unfortunately and for reasons I won’t discuss here, we were dealt the bum deal as they say. It wasn’t to be. We were to remain childless.
Those first ten years of our marriage were an immense test of our feelings for each other, I’d come home at times and often find her crying for the child she could never have, and yes my heart broke every time, it was a very sad period in our lives. We explored every possibility, in the early days when Kim Cotton was the first in the UK to venture into surrogacy, we followed that closely and were considering the possibility of going down that same route, it was early days and there were lots of pitfalls and heartbreak stood in each corner of the decision making progress. It was fraught with problems and legal issues. We stepped away from this opportunity, reluctantly.
Back in the early 90s the adoption process was not as open as it is nowadays, we just wouldn’t have been considered, it was so selective and as we were quite young and in local government housing at the time, we wouldn’t have even got through the initial application stages, oh how times have changed.
There’s a strange feeling taking your wife to baby shops such as “Mothercare” to chose prams and a decor for the child you would never have, we knew we would never be buying but it was “fun” in a weird sense as we learned a lot about how life would have been if we were dealt a fairer set of cards.
Then the younger members of the family started having children of their own, I thought things would be worse for us as I was worried about my wife’s reaction to all these upcoming births. I needn’t had worried, as this turned out to be the point in our married life where it all changed for the better.
We pretty much became permanent baby sitters, it’s fair to say we probably witnessed more periods of excitement and firsts in their little life’s than their own parents did, it was fantastic, and we could hand the nippers back at the end of the day, even though we did have the occasional overnight stay.
That was definitely the turning point, and my wife changed when this occurred, she was accepting of the fate she had been dealt, but she now had what she wished for, children to look after.
We had brilliant days out with them kids, we did all the stuff you just do and we could now visit those shops to buy gifts for these little visitors that we had been gifted the chance to look after.
We even witnessed teenage angst
To this day those kids, or should I say young adults spend so much time with us, they’ve even joined us on a recent holiday and the relationship we have with them is fantastic. They have grown up to be beautiful souls and it’s nice to think we played a part in their stories. We still ask each other what we think our kids would have been like, and often comment that if they are just like the nieces and nephews we helped bring up, then we couldn’t do much better than that.
The prompt for this post was encouraged by the fact that even though we are the only childless couple in our family, every Mother’s Day and Father’s Day we are showered with cards and gifts, and whilst I question it every year it’s their way of showing their appreciation, and just saying thank you.
I’ve sent them all a WhatsApp message telling them what I have purchased with their gift cards, as I like them to know where it’s been spent. This year I’ve purchased some new tools and a special extraction fan for my soldering, just so I can stay around and appreciate them a little longer. They and their parents changed our life’s for the better.
I should really be thanking them. But they know I’m always here for them. I’m not a dad, but they make me feel so much like a dad. ❤️
Thanks for passing by. Stay blessed and try to be happy.
Well this is a first. I thought I’d answered all of the WordPress daily prompts but I’ve either missed this one in the past or barring that they’ve actually added some new prompts. I personally think it’s the former and I’ve just not been paying attention, however they wish for an answer and who am I not to see that through. Here we go.
Self care
I’m not being pedantic when I post a title such as this, but I must admit that probably just like a lot of others out there, self care is not anywhere near the top of my agenda and sits quite low in the pecking order of things for me to do.
To be honest the feral cat that resides in our garden gets fed before I even think about feeding myself or taking my daily meds, to think of it even the plants in the garden get fed before i attend to myself, and my wife’s needs also come before any needs that I have that may need attention. I’ve always been a person that deals with others first, and get great comfort in seeing other individuals looking happy and comfortable, yes, being looked after.
I know people will start chuntering “Ooh you have to look after yourself “ and maybe they do need to do that, but to be honest I’ve managed almost 60 years without it and I’m doing just fine thank you. I’m not the sort of person always at the doctors door , expressing every ache and pain, I know when something seriously isn’t right and even then I question myself whether it’s even worth bothering anyone about.
My self care really is limited to my walking, my hobbies and occasional quiet time, all of which are just fleeting activities that are grabbed at, once every one else is catered for.
I know that there will come a time where I just can’t do anymore, and that will be the time when I will have no alternative but to stop, and look after what I have left. Yep, it maybe too late, but at least I will have great comfort in knowing I have put everyone else first.
I’ve woken up this morning, after finishing a fairly boring stretch of late shifts at work, to find an email from the National lottery telling me I had won a prize. I sometimes get these emails but I never rush to open them as it normally lets me know I’ve won a free entry for the next draw or a share of the latest £140 million pound euro millions jack pot of around £3:75GBP. Hardly life changing amounts i know.
My first cup of tea of the day beside me I’m now ready to open that email, Wow I’ve won £30:00GBP, that’s an improvement on the usual amount i win. I then proceed to inform the family of my good fortune, informing them to not send any begging letters. And asking them to form an orderly queue.
I’ve won…
That got me to thinking, just what would be the amount you would like to realistically win that would change your life?
For me, as I’m already considering retirement in the near future, it wouldn’t be millions that’s for sure. I’d probably want just enough to see me through, selling my current house, buying a new one and having just enough to get by. We have no Mortgage, we are not looking to increase the rooms in our home as there is only the two of us. I’d love a workshop or workspace though, and I’d love to be able to maybe just work part time doing something I love. Maybe working in the great outdoors somewhere, forest management that would be perfect. £50:000 would be enough for me to leave work this very minute and seek that small alternative employment job, £250:000 I believe would be sufficient for me to put my feet up for good, and there lies the problem. As anyone knows who “reads” my posts, I’m a constantly on the go person who has to be busy. That £250:000 would probably make me consider starting my own business to address that need to be constantly on the go, I’d have to do something that I enjoy, as I wouldn’t want to have a retirement where I’m tied to working shifts through a 24hr roster system as I am at the present.
I need time off. I really do.
I don’t need a mahoosive amount of money. Looking at the figures now, that £50:000 injection of money would probably be all I need to massively change my life, not for the better as I already have a blessed life, but to allow me to enjoy it even more, and spend valuable time with those I love.
Foxes Den 
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