“Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.”
Benjamin Franklin
Wisdom
“Who is wise? Nobody, apparently.
Tag: self reflection
Thank god I’m a coward
There’s nothing wrong with being a coward. There are some risks just not worth taking.
What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?
Twice in my life I have been a coward. And I’m quite pleased that I was, in fact I have great comfort in being a coward, it has made me a better person. I took a risk on two occasions, but I was unable to follow through as intended,
Twice in the past I have tried to take my own life.
I’m writing this post, so as you can see I was unsuccessful.
Thank the Lord.
I took a risk, I didn’t want to take it, but was prepared to do so.
When you finally get to those places and times in your life, when you just can’t take no more, rational thought and actions go out of the window. For some reason you are unable to see a good outcome, nothing can release you from this blanket of blackness that has now surrounded you and has become your cocoon, the item that protects you from the outside world. Your waiting room between here and the other side….whatever and wherever that may be.
My first attempt was an overdose, I was only a teenager, probably about 17 – 18 years old, the result of a failed relationship that I probably thought was the best thing that had happened in my life, it wasn’t, that occurred about 7 years later when I met the love of my life who is with me today. Being a coward then, made me realise what I would have missed out on if I had not been a coward that day, life truly does get better, I was a teenager, I had little life experience but was ready to throw away the best and most precious gift I had ever been given – life. It’s that simple.
The second time was probably back in the early 90s, I was on the railway as a train guard/revenue officer. I had in a small period of time had a knife pulled on me on two separate occasions, I had been assaulted, and was also followed home where my home had all of its windows smashed – all because of the work I was doing. I duly had a breakdown. People who were friends and colleagues distanced themselves from me, in the 90s the mental side of things was a taboo subject, and I was now the target for ridicule and derision from those I worked with. I wandered on to the tracks of the north bound Northern line underground at Euston station, and was saved by a friendly individual working in the same business as me. I was very ill and was taken home, the only help i received was being given a couple of weeks off before resuming work in a light duties role with some of those that had only weeks before ridiculed me.
I had only been married a few months when this had occurred and I remember the reaction from my wife when she found out, she was beside herself, she had not known how I felt, I disguised things so well and she was rightly angry with me for not talking to her. But that’s not the done thing for us blokes is it?
But I was willing in those moments to give up on everyone who loved me, how bloody selfish was that?
Again though, I looked back again and thought to myself, what the hell are you doing? Those problems where solvable, they didn’t need to overwhelm me so much, nothing was that bad.
And there is where it lies.
Nothing is that bad that you really have to look at ending it all to solve your problems. I realise that now, and I’m so inherently thankful that I have that “coward” gene set firmly within my psyche.
When I think of all the fantastic things I have seen and done, all the wonderful people I have had the pleasure in meeting in that time, this would not have been at all possible if I’d decided to carry those actions out in the past.
I see the kids stressing out over exam results, struggling to meet their parents expectations, and thinking that they are failures, unfortunately you always hear of a few who succumb to that black cloak of depression. I just wish I could have a few minutes with them to just let them know how needed they are and how fabulous they are going to be. It’s such an unnecessary waste of wonderful people.
It’s strange to know I am still in the business of the railway, and to be honest I spend much of my time either reaching out to individuals or being the first on the scene when they are brave enough to carry out their final actions under that awful cloak of depression. I always say a prayer for them, and I sincerely hope they are at peace, but at the same time I also feel immense pain for those they have left behind asking that unanswerable question, “Why?”
I’m glad I’m a coward, and that my risk taking is minimal, I’ve been to some very dark places in the past, but now I handle things a great deal better. I love life so much, I love those around me and value the most simplest of things. Nothing is more precious than life. All life.
Sometimes you have to venture close to the edge to really appreciate just what you have got.
If you ever wobble, if you ever have those dark thoughts, reach out to someone. I promise you, nothing, nothing at all is really that bad.
I’m here. I’m a coward, and by god am I pleased about that.
Stay safe. Be kind.
Low worth, litter and hatred.
What’s the trait you value most about yourself?
I’ve always had a very low opinion of my self worth, and that’s not really bothered me through my life. It’s not the best trait though and sometimes little tweaks have to take place to just bolster things a little bit. I manage it ok and it causes me no issues. I guess I don’t like being knocked down, so staying low on the radar allows me to avoid such situations.
The trait I probably value the most is the ability, to arise early, and never be late for work or an appointment, and most of all knowing that others value me for my reliability, I’m always there when I need to be, and I don’t let minor colds or ailments get in my way.
I’ve had it mentioned on a couple of rare occasions that because I was delayed by traffic maybe, and was 5 minutes later than when I normally hand over at work, (even though I’m still not officially handing over for another 30 minutes) that they were worried that I’d driven into a ditch or something! That says something about their combined expectations and my reliability, come rain or shine, plague or pestilence, Dave can always be relied on.
So in a nutshell I value my reliability, and in close second place because I was brought up in an age when we were constantly told not to litter, I don’t litter at all. Every little bit of scrap no matter how small will sit in my pocket until I reach a suitable waste receptacle, that’s just me. It’s really easy and I’d suggest everyone tries it.
And in third place, but maybe it should be higher, I don’t use the word “Hate”. It’s a horrible word and so final and irreversible, whereas “dislike” can be worked on, the word hatred is final.
Have a super day.
The history
Why are we cancelling everything?
What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?
In respect of my heritage, history has always fascinated me, and now it annoys me in equal measures.
What fascinates me as it always has, since back in my childhood days, is that I love to know how people worked, lived and managed to survive in a period of time when just one random off the cuff comment could have you accused of many a crime. God forbid if you said anything about the establishment as you’d probably be missing your head before too long.
And the annoying part is that we are in a society where groups of individuals are wanting to cancel everything. People are wanting to wipe out history because they disagree with what happened. That’s history folks! The fact that we don’t (in general, good society, anyway) go around inflicting on the populace accusations of “Witchcraft” “Heresy” and whatever, means we have learned something from that history. We generally don’t make the mistakes of the past as we have become better people and learned from that horrific history that pre dates us all.
I can’t get enough of history, it’s potentially my favourite subject and I will gladly overdose on it in either book or film format. I just love it.
I don’t feel the urge to go and lop off someone’s head, or to take part in hanging, drawing and quartering anyone (not today anyway….) and that’s because we have all learnt, and moved on from those terrible times. We learn from the mistakes of the past, and to wipe out history leaves us in the unenviable position of not knowing the difference between right and wrong, we might as well all go and bury our heads in the sand and just imagine it never happened.
I have news for you Sherlock, it did happen, and as long as we learn, develop and make better then we are being taught by our historical misdemeanours, hopefully to never venture back to those dark old days.
Cancelling solves nothing. In the words of the Jamaican activist- Marcus Garvey,
“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots”
And he isn’t wrong, I used to have a tee shirt with that on it in my teenage years..
History, it shapes our futures. Don’t cancel it.
Have a superb day…
World mental health day
World mental health day and men’s arrogance and reluctance to talk
I just wanted to share a post that was sent to me. Today is World mental health day, and this is one of the most hard hitting, and well formed videos that I think I have ever seen. It was produced by Norwich City football club here in the Uk, and in my eyes it is probably one of the best pieces of film I have ever watched, simply just asking you to keep an eye on friends and colleagues. Simple and straight to the point.
Here in the Uk 40% of deaths in males under the age of fifty, is a result of poor mental health. A horrendously high amount you must agree, and totally avoidable if everyone was just more aware of subtle changes of those around us. Have a look at the video in the link below, it’s hard hitting as the outcome is not what you’d expect.
I have in the last couple of weeks dealt with my 20th fatality on the railway, no one explained in the beginning, on the job description, that my job would involve such horrendous outcomes, and I have witnessed scenes that I would not wish upon anyone. Do I suffer? I’d tell you no, to your face, but sometimes I’m in utter turmoil.
But I have a peer group at work, that are there for me, we are all there for each other as we get no support from work to be honest. If we didn’t talk to each other, and offer words of comfort and reassurance, I’d hate to know where any of us would be now.
Men are stubborn sods full of false bravado, I’m one of them, and I’m great at pulling the curtains over a difficult situation. Smiling eyes I might have, my confidence may seem through the roof, but in the quiet periods or the wee dark hours, I’m asking myself questions i do not know the answers to.
I’m praying I never attend another fatality, but in reality I know another one is never far away, I’m lucky that I have the support of my colleagues to see me through, we talk, we drink tea.
Talking works. It saves lives. And lets people know they are not alone.
You are not alone, and will never be. Don’t let those thoughts rule your head, those thoughts need to be out in the open. They are poison, and the poison needs to be let. Talking helps.
Stay safe. You are not alone.
We’ve found a place…and reality checks
Yesterday we viewed a house. We are both super impressed by it, and have instructed the solicitors to start work on it and have placed a holding fee upon said property.
The solicitors are already rubbing their grubby little hands, as within an hour of instructing them they are already asking for various payments in advance. I should have known.
It’s a new home, on a site that I have passed more than a few times a day in the last two years of its construction, i witnessed the day they broke ground, so I know the area very well. It’s in a nice town about 12 miles from where we currently are, it’s pretty much all we are looking for. Believe me it will be our last move unless we hit big time on the National lottery. This so far is proving to be stressful beyond what I have ever experienced on previous moves.
And I still believe the reason for that is the incompetence we have experienced in the early days of the selling experience. Confidence is still so exceptionally low that the sale will ever complete, and it’s strange that we cannot be excited as we are just waiting for the whole chain to collapse. We’ve never experienced such lethargy before and I can only put it down to how this whole process has evolved over the past few months. We’ve always been so excited and positive on previous sales we’ve completed before, this time though they have really kicked the trust and excitement out of us. We are but a shell of our former selves.
Anyway without sounding too dramatic, it will be what it will be. We are fortunate to have a home and if we end up staying here it is no loss at all. We are fortunate and must never forget that.
I spoke to my friend Ed today, he’s the guy I spoke about a few weeks back in my blog who has a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer in both his lungs and kidneys. He’s managing just superbly at the moment and his immunotherapy treatment is progressing just fine. Even despite his diagnosis he is so upbeat and chipper with a superb attitude.
And there’s me whining about a bloody house. What a prat. It was the kick in the pants I needed I tell ya.
It’s a horrible analogy I know, but someone is always worse off than you are.
I’m now saying thank you for what I have, everything I have been given, and for whatever I receive going forward. Just writing this post has made me go from down hearted and depressed to thankful and hopeful.
Thanks to my friend Ed, you have made me see sense and taught me a big lesson today. My friend, I wish you continued good health and I pray for you and your family on a daily basis.
Sometimes, a step back from a situation and a full evaluation of your current situation is all that is needed.
We all need to do a reality check from time to time. Today was that time for me.
And I am truly grateful for all I have in my life. I really need nothing else. Just be humble.
Have a super day my friends. Stay humble. Stay safe.
Financial leaches and stuff
It’s been a tad quiet around here lately, especially on the blogging side, and there is a reason for this. As stated recently, the house has sold but my disdain towards the estate agents still remains and to be honest I don’t trust them as far as I could throw them. For me to regain just a modicum of trust in them they would have to pull off some quite stunning and spectacular acts of estate agent “activity” whatever that may be.
The solicitors are now deeply involved and rubbing their hands and then cupping them to catch the continuous flow of cash that they seem to be extracting from us. What I’m getting at here is you manage to find a way to save a couple of thousand pounds only for these leaches to suddenly drop another bill for a similar amount. It’s just like they are using the smart speakers in the house to listen into our discussions on our finances…the swines!
Anyway that said our search for a suitable abode goes on, we have some candidates and one in particular that the wife has fallen deeply in love with. I suspect that this will ultimately be our target. The thing is that as much as I want to, I just can’t get excited. The total incompetence of the selling agents has scarred me and I expect this sale to collapse at any time, there is something that just doesn’t sit right with me. I try communicating this to the wife but I don’t want to rain on her parade, she is super excited where as I’m being super cautious, we are both at total opposite ends of the spectrum at the moment and I’m struggling to be honest. I seem to have lost faith and that’s very unlike me, but once bitten twice shy as they say.
My wife bless her, is the eternal optimist, she’s the one you want around you. Me however, I class as a pessimistic optimist, or maybe even just a realist, I don’t really know myself to be honest. I’m that one sitting very firmly, not rocking on the middle of that fence, and as I’m getting older the battle scars are ensuring that the balance is gaining a rock steady gyroscopic steadiness, I’m not budging in any way.
Work is exceedingly busy at the moment we have all kinds of issues going off and there isn’t enough hours in the day to get things done, however it is a welcome distraction from the day to day goings on in and around the home.
That said, we have a family party on Friday that I’m looking forward to, before delivering my wife to her elderly friend’s house, where she is going to spend a week looking after her. It will be a quiet week at home for me, and I’m going to miss her keeping me in check and being the ying to my yang as they say. To be honest I think I’m going to struggle, but I’ll just have to get on with it, it’s only a week and other people need her more at the moment. I’m lucky, I always have her around whereas others have no one. This is where she becomes that one little angelic presence in everyone’s life. I’m fortunate to have her presence in my life, and I’m eternally grateful for that. It still remains that I will miss her immensely. It will be a lesson in patience. I’m sure I’ll be fine, she’ll still check in and keep me on the level, that I know for sure.
All projects are currently packed away apart from a couple of easy ones that will appear on here shortly, I have a camera to service for a photographer friend, but that’s just going to have to wait.
Life plods on, I sincerely hope you are all having a peaceful time, stay safe and just continue being that wonderful presence that you are. Thank you for passing by, it’s always appreciated.
Losing track of time
Which activities make you lose track of time?
There is no doubt about it, that when I get involved in anything, one thing is guaranteed and that is, that you are going to get nothing but a full commitment of time and attention from me.
My main problem is that sometimes I immerse myself so deep that I sometimes struggle to get back out of the situation. Sometimes it maybe just be a helping hand that is needed and not a full scale immersion, and that’s where I sometimes struggle to find the fine line, it’s a personal issue I have always had.
I’ve learned a few harsh lessons in the past where a helping hand was all that was needed. The people I have been helping were either more than capable at completing the task, or had people with them that would have benefited more from participating in the task, rather than having me jump in and take over. I think I have become more aware of this now and even though I always wish to see a task through to its conclusion, I reluctantly stand by and am instead happy to offer advice if necessary. I just find it hard to take that step back occasionally.
I’m generally a busy person, just of my own making. I may not appear busy to the person passing by, however my brain is in overdrive keeping me busy or working something out within.
So in conclusion I’d say that pretty much all activities make me lose track of time. In some people that would probably make them bad timekeepers I’d guess, however that is again a problem I do not have. I like to help, though I guess my help may not always be appreciated, I just like to get involved, and I can be relied on to be there on time.
It must be horrible to have a wasted lazy lifestyle, however I do appreciate this is not the way everyone operates.
Maybe I need to lose track of time more often, just taking it easy. But hey, that’s just not me I’m afraid.
Have a super successful day folks
Another tatt
This time I’ve gone with a basic cross. I’ve always stated there was always a reason behind every tattoo I have and this one is no different. This represents my faith, I don’t push it to anyone it’s very personal, but some times I question it, and go quite deep with it.
We had an old cross in the house and I often looked to that in times of fear and uncertainty. The reason that it is a battered cross, matches my faith and my upbringing. It’s always there in some form but it’s been through some battles with me and is scarred. But it still remains, it’s still there battered and damaged, but still represents strength and hope.
Simple is all it needs to be, such a symbol does not need complexity, and now late in my life I’m happy and confident enough to be proud of my faith and what this symbol means to me, and how it helped me through such a horrendous childhood. I choose this as art that represents a period of my life, and as always if anyone asks me what it represents, I can honestly tell them how this helped me through troubled times.
Peace.
Day three – Reykjavik
Anyone who’s been to this part of the world has probably been on the golden circle tour, which is a great introduction to what this area has to offer.
However we are not, as we’ve been here before and done that, so the next couple of days will be spent doing variations of that trip to our own agenda. Today was one of those days. We’ve spent the morning after breakfast browsing the area. I always look for an item to take home that will remind me of our visit and today I think I have found the item I would like. It’s a piece of art on glass painted by a superb glass artist named Ella Rosinkrans. Ella is one of only a few glass artists on the island and has been designing and creating these art forms for about the last 25 yrs. it also helps living near the Eyjafjallajökull volcano as all the black portions of her art contain ash from this volcano that caused so much disruption back in 2010 when its eruption closed airspace over Europe for a number of weeks.
Anyway I will be purchasing one of her items as a memento of this visit. We will be back to her studio on day 5 to collect it.
Whilst browsing the shops we came across this one. the shop name loosely translates as “The Golden Cat” it hadn’t opened yet, however patiently waiting at the door for opening time was….a black cat.
We then popped around to the original Reykjavik cathedral just down by the old government building.
As with a lot of Reykjavik this cathedral had a big connection to Denmark. it was built by the Danish king at the time, built for the people around a time of great hardship as a place where they could all congregate for safety.
We then moved on to our next activity.
The Blue lagoon here in Iceland is on the to do list for many. Based near the town of Grindavik the scene of recent volcanic activity, this is a geo thermal spa where the water is pumped from the local power station. The area has been subject to emergency closures and is still under such an order due to the unpredictability of the seismic activity in the area. We’ve visited before so this year we have decided to try another lagoon closer to the city centre. We have found one just 15min drive out side of Reykjavik called the Sky Lagoon.
Only opened in recent years this is a custom built lagoon / Spa where the order of the day is to take in the Skjól bathing ritual a seven stage experience that relaxes and invigorates you inside and out. I was sceptical but I must admit it’s a worthwhile experience although the cold sessions were quite horrendous seeing the outside temperature was -6. As I said it was a worthwhile experience.
The day finished with us all feeling refreshed, we then headed back to the city where we convened at a bar for some dinner. One of our party is a football fan whose team were playing and fortunately they won so the day came to a pleasant happy ending.
The Twister cocktail was a nice way to finish the evening, I believe it consisted of Rum. Peach schnapps and other bits. Oh, and an ice lolly on the top. Good stuff!
Have a great day.
Foxes Den 
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