My mother on her death bed bless her, turned to me and my wife whilst we were beside her and said, “You are a wonderful couple”
The last few words this beautiful soul ever spoke and they were to the both of us. It is the most precious memory I hold and the finest gift I have ever received. It was like a moment of full flowing love and appreciation, we were in her thoughts at the very last moment of her existence.
Some gifts do not come in a physical form, sometimes a gift is given in a form that just cannot be replicated, a real one time special offer, exclusive just for you. And this was ours.
Often talked of by us. Never to be repeated, but forever remembered and cherished.
The last words of a much cherished and kind hearted soul who made and shaped my world. My mother. ❤️
The gift of words, original and heart felt, and very much exclusive.
I have already thanked everyone on 26th January this year for your kind support on getting me up to 100 subscribers on this site. It really is appreciated and today I need to thank you again on getting me to a 10k views notification.
Thank you 🙏
I’m not a consistent blogger as my posts vary greatly, I know there is quite a range in quality but I make no apologies for that. I’ve always suffered with quite severe mood swings due to a number of factors that I won’t dwell on here, and this site was created as an extension of the journal I used to write at home. That journal had some extremely worrying matter in it and I always encouraged my wife to read it, (As I’m a bloke who doesn’t openly talk) and as a result she pulled me out of some deep ravines and I am eternally grateful to her for that. That said I decided to take the Journal one step further and it is now online for all my family as well as you good souls to see. As a result you will see the good and the not so good, but believe me I am in a much better place for having you all around me.
Thanks for just being there, you will never understand just how much it helps.
And yes, I do talk more and I suggest everyone who is suffering in silence breaks that mould, and talks to someone. Do not please suffer in silence. And I’m always here to lend a listening ear.
Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end.
If just for 24hrs you could be with those you miss the most, those who have gone before you who have left you with so many unanswered questions, this would be the perfect day.
To spend more time with loved ones, to walk another mile with them, hold hands and just look at that reassuring smile, how lovely would that be?
Talking with them to the point that comfort and assurance is restored and having those doubts and worries brushed away. To know they really are happy, well and worry free, and that you are loved and still looked after, wouldn’t that just be perfect?
The end of the day would come, you’d be upset for sure, you’d say gentle goodbyes, but this time you’d be smiling, what a difference to the last time you parted company. You could now live the rest of your life free and without the worries and doubts of your past to haunt you. No more grieving.
Never again to ask the question, “What if?” as you’d already have the answers.
Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
It was the 14th February 2018. Happy Valentine’s Day. I was told I had a cancerous tumour.
I was numb. We went out the following day for a lovely walk and all we did was discuss the elephant in the room throughout that whole trip. Even looking at the photos of that day I can see the false smile on my face as well as the concern on my wife’s.
False smile, worry in her eyes, not a good day
I went into serious withdrawal from life, as I knew it. I suffered severe depression. I didn’t share my feelings with the one person who knew me best. I kept it all to myself and it was all too much, I broke down. It was my problem, I’ll deal with it. But I couldn’t. I needed help.
That one person, sat beside me, she cried with me and she comforted me. She cuddled me. She stayed with me and she didn’t let me go.
It was at that point I experienced absolute unconditional love. There was a warmth that went through me, it’s as if she had taken all my worries and concerns and put them away for me, I’ve always said she’s an angel and she has this amazing ability to take away my problems and make my whole life better.
And I didn’t even share my feelings with her. That’s so wrong. I felt so guilty.
Guess what, I share absolutely everything with her now, nothing is held back, the silly issues, the concerns and worries. And you know what, her arms encase me again, that love flows through me as it always does and has done. I feel nothing but love, and it is my life’s task to ensure she feels just the same.
We beat the big C, or should I say it’s at the back of our minds and doesn’t overwhelm us anymore. When we talk about it we use the name “Fred”. The “C” word is no longer used in our home. It’s banished. It’s a horrible word, and my lovely lady did this to make our life less stressful.
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?
Anyone who reads anything on this site will know I am a glass half full kind of guy, most of the time.
Do I think about the future? I plan like most people and that’s about it, I don’t really dwell on the future as i kind of have a tomorrow never comes attitude. I’ve developed a live for today way of life because too much sorrow and heartbreak has hit me in the past, and what you have today, may well be taken from you tomorrow, so take what you have now and cherish and appreciate whatever that may be, as the future is a thief that steals everything of importance from you.
Do I think about the past? Again, I try not to dwell on it but when you are a fan of most things “antique” it’s hard. Fantastic memories and people you have met along the way, why would you not reminisce on how they have shaped your life. If you have loved, it’s built on what has happened in the past and determines how you feel about that relationship in the present.
So in summary I am a thinker of the past and present. Life is a precious gift, what’s the point of worrying yourself about the future, we all know what the outcome is. Enjoy what you have had and what you have at this moment. That’s all that matters.
Personally my biggest influences amount to no more than a few people and one profession. Let me explain.
My Mother, she went through absolute hell in a marriage where she was beaten, abused and used like a carpet. I did my best as a child to protect her and like to think I did that well. She was still being abused well into her Seventies by a horrible jealous man who masqueraded as a husband. I dislike that man, as I have previously stated in a previous post I am unable to hate, I feel sorry for him and I’m sure he received his judgement when he passed over. At least I hope he did. Mother taught me patience and kindness, i absolutely love and adore my mother, and this week was the 20th anniversary of her passing.
My wife. She has this year kept the family together, she has saved a friend from harm. She has rescued that friend from the precipice, cared for her, seen she gets helped and spoken with her four or five times on a daily basis until that friend has been repaired, and brought herself back to a place where she is happy. My wife continues to impress me and make me so proud as she is a wonderful, beautiful soul that I believe was put on this earth to help people. She was unable to be a mother, something she would have truly excelled in, but she treats every child as her own and has beautiful relationships with youngsters, she guides and protects, she really should have wings on her back as I’m sure she was put here to serve that purpose. I am so proud of her and I know I have been gifted her presence for a short while, and I so appreciate that, I am a very fortunate person. And I so love her.
Anyone who teaches. You are very special and underrated individuals who deserve so much. I was most fortunate to meet the most influential man in my life who was a teacher : My Primary school teacher. Anyone that teaches deserves the utmost praise and respect, it is these unselfish individuals that shape this world and shape individuals into respectable members of society. You make the people who will go forward and shape this world. You make the world a better place. Anyone who just offers good advice and comfort to someone should pat themselves on the back.
We all have a role in society, we can all influence someone.
Have a peaceful day, have a wonderful holiday period no matter what your faith is or where your beliefs lay. Be that better person. Peace.
I love walking but over the last 18 months or so I’ve not done so much. I don’t mean everyday walking, I do loads of that especially at work, I mean the type of walking where you set a route, go out, get some good thinking time, clear the cobwebs from your head and get back to nature.
I used to walk miles when we had our dog Alf, but as he aged and became increasingly unwell my own health started to decrease as the purpose and need started to dwindle.
We regularly did the walk 1000 mile challenge over the course of a year and we both loved it.
Alf wearing our Walk 1000 miles medal
He loved his walks
As we now move on up to Christmas, my wife has gone out for breakfast with her friends, I have work later today but I’ve told her I’m going to retrace some of our old walks and maybe pop in to have breakfast somewhere and I’m really looking forward to that now. I don’t know, it’s just that sometimes you just need a good old kick in the pants to get motivated and moving, today may well be that day.
My walk
I did what I said I’d do and clocked up a nice 3.6mile walk at a slow pace, just as I would have done if I had my mate with me as he would be stopping every few yards for a sniff. I took his lead with me today the first time I’d carried it since he passed on the 16th August. I must admit I was a wreck and had tears in my eyes all the way round, so many beautiful memories came flooding back, I miss him so much.
I carried his lead, only one thing missing….
There is an old saying:
Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
Anon
And I believe this is true. There is no shame in being emotional, and what with it today, being the 20th anniversary of my mother’s passing, it is going to be a highly emotional day for me. To love and be loved is an amazing gift to possess, and to be given, but it hurts like hell when it is taken away. A lot of tears however have been shed recently and the view has not yet cleared. Here’s hoping and praying for better days.
Quiet roads today
I walked the routes we always walked, refusing to take shortcuts or to go down roads where we never used to venture, that would have been cheating him, holding his lead was strange but also comforting.
Stop for a breakNice coffee
We stopped at a new Cafe strangely called “Cafe 55” I had a lovely coffee and a breakfast roll. It had a lovely atmosphere and was a nice clean environment. When I got the bill I realised where it obtained its name from as it seems to be 55% more expensive than anywhere else in the area. That aside, it was a pleasant stop over.
The last mile home allowed me to get myself together, a nice cuddle from the wife when I arrived home is always appreciated. We talked, again, we both shed tears, then realised just how fortunate we are for what we have, and for what we have been blessed with in the past.
Life is a puzzle, but once you have the borders sorted, it all starts to fall into place one small piece at a time.
It was a lovely walk. It needs to happen more. And it will.
I like to normally stay upbeat, but these recent prompts have really got me thinking. I know everyone wants to see the “Yes my life is perfect” answers, but I’m afraid you’ll have to head to Insta and Fakebook for those replies. To be honest looking back at the last year it’s been fairly “Shit” to be honest.
Now I’m not going to fill this post with my woes and issues as there are a lot of people out there that have had it a damn sight worse than me, but the question has been asked and I have to answer it truthfully.
The family is on the point of breaking up due to “family” things, there has been illness, emergencies and grief by the bucket load, however myself and my wife have managed to keep smiling through it all, hiding exactly what we feel on the inside. As I have stated, there are others out there that have had it a lot worse, and to be honest my thoughts and prayers lay with them. Being a strong willed couple, my Wife and I can overcome much that life throws our way, and hopefully we have enough left in reserve to help others who may not have that support to fall back on.
So yes, we’ve had a bad year, just like a lot of people, but we have also learned from our discomfort, pain and uncertainty.
So through mild adversity we remain united and strong, and that is a good sign….isn’t it? I guess all is not that bad, once you have faced the pain and issues head on.
What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?
That has to be ending the life of a much loved and cherished member of the family, a pet.
In our married life we have had three wonderful little Bichon Frise dogs, who we have rightly or wrongly treated as our children, they have wanted for nothing and had the best that we could bestow on them. We have never had children as we can’t, we obviously upset someone in a previous life and that privilege and pleasure has been taken away from us. We needed surrogates and the dogs were those stand ins. We were very happy.
There comes a time where you have to let go, you notice changes in an animals behaviour, the little whimpers, the constant sleep and the inability to do things, the little looks you get and the realisation that their quality of life is deteriorating. Decisions have to be made.
That final journey to the vets, me driving, my wife cuddling the little package on the back seat and the fight to see through the flood of tears that are clouding your eyes.
The vets bench, the dogs wagging his tail, he’s ok you think, but he’s not. The injection to subdue him, he rests, the second injection and then he’s gone.
The lonely drive home knowing you have left a family member behind, the sadness you are going to feel everyday going forward.
The little things you miss, the what ifs? that suddenly come to mind and the guilt you feel for ending a perfect little life.
We’ve done that three times now and it hurts so damned much, I don’t think we will ever be able to do it again as the pain is just unbearable.
Life is full of hard decisions, but when it ends in the death of a much loved companion, I just don’t think there are many such decisions that are harder to make.
It’s been 5 days since my last post in the journal. It continues to be a lonely old week as the wife is still away at our friend’s house. Health wise she is now getting the attention that she needed, a care plan is in place and her support network is now better than it ever was. Fingers crossed it’s all looking positive with the occasional wobble.
Living apart for a short while really makes you appreciate what you have, it also brings a dose of reality as you experience what some people have no control over, makes you think.
Just one more shift at work and I can drive down to see them both on Friday morning, I’m really excited about that.
Been a strange week at work, a lady threw herself under a train as a train was passing through at 90mph, the call went up for our response and the controller informed us we had one under a train. However that train passed over her, and she got up after it had passed and climbed back on the platform. I have never seen anything like it, the amount of equipment that hangs under these trains would normally rip you to pieces. How the heck she survived this and lived to tell the tale is a mystery to me. Needless to say we breathed a sigh of relief as we were not going to be needed to collect what was left of her. I believe she is resident at a local mental health unit, we have far too many of these issues on our route with those that are seriously unwell. It’s getting worse.
(Amended 31/10 unfortunately the same lady was successful in her attempt to end her life today. I feel sorry for my colleagues and I who were heavily involved, we didn’t need to be brought into this issue but we unfortunately were. She got what she wished for. I hope she has found peace)
I’ve purchased a few items to repair this week, all items that will be going on the site in the coming weeks. I have about a dozen draft posts awaiting completion, most of them are still awaiting parts before I can finish them off. I’ve also brought myself a new Multimeter, the previous one (good though it was) has been giving some spurious readings of late, so I thought it was time for an upgrade. Should be a game changer for me as there’s a multitude of other tests this one is capable of that the older one wasn’t.
Enjoy Halloween if that’s your thing, Here in the East Midlands it’s Diwali being celebrated this week so if that’s your thing – Happy Diwali – Stay safe. Be happy.
Foxes Den 
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