Tag: talk

Journal – Post one

25th September 2024

Today has been a so so kind of day. Here in the East Midlands it has been wet yet again. We have had so much rain in the last few days that apparently we have had four times the average monthly rainfall in just three days. It’s very wet to say the least.

Hence at work this has caused me problems today. People just don’t understand the effect water can have on the passage of a 2000 ton train, the water can undermine the stability of the tracks so when we have flooding, thats when the speed restrictions come into place. And my day today has involved completing a number of these checks to ensure all is well. On top of that i have had to deal with failed point work in the Melton Mowbray area as well as attending to a broken down train. It’s been a busy day, work started just before 05:30 and by the time i got back to base it was about 14:00. No breakfast today, no lunch as I didn’t get the time. Not too worried with that as we do have quieter days where we can do all of that. It’s all swings and roundabouts, give and take it works both ways.

Back home the wife has been playing catch up with the washing, not happy that due to the wet weather she cannot get the washing out for a blow, hence the conservatory looks like a London wash house as she engages the dehumidifier to dry everything inside. Good things these dehumidifiers, especially in an old house like ours, no damp here as a result.

The sister in law popped over with some old black and white negatives that she has found. She’s planning an anniversary gift for her husband as they have been married 55 years – it’s their Emerald wedding anniversary. He’s been a scooter fan since he was a teenager and still has one to this day, she’s unearthed a negative from when they first went on holiday together and its one of him sitting on his first scooter. I have a scanner so i was able to scan the negative and send it electronically to be printed, and i will collect it tomorrow. Meanwhile she and the wife have ordered a nice emerald trimmed frame that will arrive tomorrow for me to put the picture in. Her husband will love it, it’s a lovely memory and you can’t beat that. I love gifts that have had a lot of thought go into them, they don’t have to be expensive, but they can mean the world to someone.

We took a massive kick in the pants today when a very dear and lovely family member called to tell us she was undergoing investigation for that bastard big C. It’s only early days so we are all hopeful that it’s been caught early. She is so hard working she has learning difficulties and I don’t think she fully understands the seriousness of what she has been told bless her. We are here for her, and she knows she has our combined love, prayers and anything else we can do to help her through this damned unfair stage of her life. We love her so much .

We’ve spoken about Alf a lot today, its been lovely and we’ve uncovered more photos of him today, isn’t it funny that you get these photo memories come up on your phone that you’d completely forgotten about? His ashes sit on a shelf in the living room, and we talk to him as if he is still here. Well to be honest he is here, he was a massive presence even though he weighed littlle more than 6 kilos at his peak, he will be with us forever, and when we pop our clogs we will all be blended together in a big pile of ash to be distributed over one of our favourite places as a family. We will always be together.

Our Alfie

I was wandering about aimlessly earlier so the wife banished me to the conservatory to do some of my hobby stuff, i was able to fault find a unit I’m working on and tomorrow i will start to do some soldering and tidying up. I also had a work colleague come into work with a set of lights that need fixing, he’d heard that i do this stuff so I’ve managed to land another little job to keep me occupied, it all helps to maintain the sanity and keep the grey matter active.

Overall it’s been a good day, with a sprinkling of the downright unfair, there has been plenty going on and I’ve kept active, just as i like it. But tonight my thoughts are with my dear relative who has had awful news today. I said this journal would be a load of chat about everything and nothing really, but sitting here typing this has made me look back at the day and realise that i have achieved stuff, may be nothing major, but it is so easy to sit down and say you did nothing today.

Write it down and watch your day unfold in front of you and say – “Yes, i did plenty of stuff, and i achieved something today, and people need me.”

It’s my journal

Why do you blog?

During my working life I have so far experienced, 17 traumatic suicides on the railway. I am more often than not the first person on site and have to make access to the site, safe for all the emergency personnel about to arrive en masse. I have seen things no one should ever expect to witness. And I sincerely hope you never do.

For this reason, I have had health issues mainly around PTSD that I was diagnosed as having just two years ago, after a young lad ended his life on my shift. That one affected me, though i often go into self denial that this was the cause. Though in all seriousness it was probably the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

I used to journal as a result. It wasn’t a private journal, I used to have it beside the bed and actively encourage my wife to read it. At the time I was hiding a lot of my feelings from my wife, I was the typical bloke that wouldn’t talk, however I was storing this all inside and even I could see this was heading straight towards becoming the perfect storm. I’m glad I did that as it helped her and it also helped me to prompt conversation and off load some of that weight from my shoulders.

Blogging became the natural progression from the journal. The family now have links to this blog and they all check in on a regular basis to see what I am doing. I include all the hobby stuff and it is now more of a website than a blog site.

I sit here typing as I am now at 4 in the morning and the wife will turn to me and say, “Are you doing your blog?” And I will say yes. She knows that this is my way of healing some scars by just offloading the excess baggage that life supplies sometimes. And do you know what? It works for me. I don’t do it for followers as that’s not what I’m about. To be honest it wouldn’t bother me if not a single person read my site, for me I have a history at my fingertips where I can check my progress. I have bad days, I have days where I do nothing but whinge, but I can now see why these things happen and that’s all down to this blog.

That’s why I blog, this last month has been awful as my constant companion, Alf, our dog, another who would just sit and listen to me wagging his little tail passed away and it has just ripped the hearts out of my wife and I. See his pictures here: Alfie. All hobbies and interests have disappeared as we have just entered that, “Can’t be arsed” stage of grief. We will come to terms with it in time, and again this is where the blog helps.

Hopefully people will understand this. I’m just a guy who is suffering but I have found a way to let off that steam, accumulated as a result of other peoples desperate actions.

It’s tough, but I won’t let the demons win. It is a daily battle that I doubt I will win in the long run but hopefully I can put it aside for a good while longer.

I really wish for peace for you all.

Talk,

Blog,

It really helps.

Dinner for 14 please..

If you could host a dinner and anyone you invite was sure to come, who would you invite?

Strange one this, it would have to be a mix of those who are living and those who have passed.

It would be something like this:

  • My Wife – we always have plenty to talk about, relevant and irrelevant.
  • My brother John – passed away a few years back, but such a funny soul.
  • My Mum – again passed away but such a beautiful kind soul.
  • Karl Sagan – this guy cemented my interest in the universe with his Cosmos tv series and the book I still have to this day.
  • Professor Brian Cox – the modern version of Karl, and someone he could talk to, I’d love to eavesdrop this conversation.
  • Michael Stipe of REM – my favourite group, I have so many questions and what a lovely guy.
  • Michael Collins – Apollo 11, what was it like to be floating about out there when your colleagues were getting all the acclaim on the lunar surface?
  • My Brother in law Tel – always good company.
  • My sister in law Liz – absolutely lovely, and always ready to stir it up.
  • My sister Anne – a duplicate of my dear mum.
  • Bob Marley – my introduction to Reggae.
  • Bing Crosby – my dad’s favourite singer, and I was brought up listening to him, as I don’t want my dad there this would be close enough to him.
  • My Nan – Dads mum. A lovely tortured suffering soul that would do anything for anyone.

That’s about it. What a mixture of people. I’m sure I’d sit there for ages just holding the hands of my loved ones and just listening and savouring every little moment.

Perfect

Happy days everyone

Thoughts 24/5/24

Who would you like to talk to soon?

I believe I may have mentioned him before, but I’d like to speak to my old primary school teacher who took over a troubled individual’s downward spiral and moulded him into a half decent person.

That individual was me, the teacher was Mr. Twelftree, the school was Little Reddings in Bushey, Hertfordshire.

I’d love to meet him and talk to him, I’d love to say just two words – “Thank you”.

He was and has been the most influential man I have met in my life, even overshadowing my own father as he saw something in me that even my own father couldn’t see.

Thank you sir, the debt I owe you cannot be repaid, I only hope that what I have learned from you has been passed forward to help others.

Peace

Thoughts 26/4/24

What topics do you like to discuss?

To be honest I’ll talk about anything. The only things I try to avoid are religion and politics because both subjects can get a bit heated.

I also love talking about sports. Especially football and my local football Club where I’m a season ticket holder. I love discussing football with people who support other teams. I love to hear their points of view. We share anecdotes, we sing silly songs and we have a tribal atmosphere as such and this all provides hours of stuff to talk about.

King power stadium

I also love my hobbies. You probably already know that hence the reason you’re probably looking at this blog. You may have just stumbled across it and if you have, “hello” and welcome to the Foxes Den where I’ll try and fix things. I’m not always successful but I’ll get immense fun and enjoyment out of it. It all helps me keep a level head.

Our garden pub door sign – same as this site

I’ll try to avoid talking about Work because to be honest it’s starting to get on my nerves now. I’m getting to the end of my working life, I’m looking forward to retirement if I can make it. I just hope nothing occurs in the short period of time between now and then. I don’t want to bore people about my work, i just try to keep people safe but you don’t always get recognised for doing that. You represent a big organisation and that’s it for you really, you’re no longer an individual. You’re just a number and I don’t like that.

Work

I hope this answers the question that was originally put to me for this blog post as I’ve gone on a bit I must admit, but hey it’s 02:30 in the morning. I’m sitting at work waiting for the next job to come in and I’m contemplating whether to have another cup of tea

I think I’ll have that cup of tea. I deserve it.

I wish a happy day to everyone who is reading this. I hope you are successful in all you do, I hope you’re kind to people and at peace with your lot. Be kind to yourself as well because at the end of the day you are the most important person on this planet.

Take care