Tag: pain

Thank god I’m a coward

There’s nothing wrong with being a coward. There are some risks just not worth taking.

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

Twice in my life I have been a coward. And I’m quite pleased that I was, in fact I have great comfort in being a coward, it has made me a better person. I took a risk on two occasions, but I was unable to follow through as intended,

Twice in the past I have tried to take my own life.

I’m writing this post, so as you can see I was unsuccessful.

Thank the Lord.

I took a risk, I didn’t want to take it, but was prepared to do so.

When you finally get to those places and times in your life, when you just can’t take no more, rational thought and actions go out of the window. For some reason you are unable to see a good outcome, nothing can release you from this blanket of blackness that has now surrounded you and has become your cocoon, the item that protects you from the outside world. Your waiting room between here and the other side….whatever and wherever that may be.

My first attempt was an overdose, I was only a teenager, probably about 17 – 18 years old, the result of a failed relationship that I probably thought was the best thing that had happened in my life, it wasn’t, that occurred about 7 years later when I met the love of my life who is with me today. Being a coward then, made me realise what I would have missed out on if I had not been a coward that day, life truly does get better, I was a teenager, I had little life experience but was ready to throw away the best and most precious gift I had ever been given – life. It’s that simple.

The second time was probably back in the early 90s, I was on the railway as a train guard/revenue officer. I had in a small period of time had a knife pulled on me on two separate occasions, I had been assaulted, and was also followed home where my home had all of its windows smashed – all because of the work I was doing. I duly had a breakdown. People who were friends and colleagues distanced themselves from me, in the 90s the mental side of things was a taboo subject, and I was now the target for ridicule and derision from those I worked with. I wandered on to the tracks of the north bound Northern line underground at Euston station, and was saved by a friendly individual working in the same business as me. I was very ill and was taken home, the only help i received was being given a couple of weeks off before resuming work in a light duties role with some of those that had only weeks before ridiculed me.

I had only been married a few months when this had occurred and I remember the reaction from my wife when she found out, she was beside herself, she had not known how I felt, I disguised things so well and she was rightly angry with me for not talking to her. But that’s not the done thing for us blokes is it?

But I was willing in those moments to give up on everyone who loved me, how bloody selfish was that?

Again though, I looked back again and thought to myself, what the hell are you doing? Those problems where solvable, they didn’t need to overwhelm me so much, nothing was that bad.

And there is where it lies.

Nothing is that bad that you really have to look at ending it all to solve your problems. I realise that now, and I’m so inherently thankful that I have that “coward” gene set firmly within my psyche.

When I think of all the fantastic things I have seen and done, all the wonderful people I have had the pleasure in meeting in that time, this would not have been at all possible if I’d decided to carry those actions out in the past.

I see the kids stressing out over exam results, struggling to meet their parents expectations, and thinking that they are failures, unfortunately you always hear of a few who succumb to that black cloak of depression. I just wish I could have a few minutes with them to just let them know how needed they are and how fabulous they are going to be. It’s such an unnecessary waste of wonderful people.

It’s strange to know I am still in the business of the railway, and to be honest I spend much of my time either reaching out to individuals or being the first on the scene when they are brave enough to carry out their final actions under that awful cloak of depression. I always say a prayer for them, and I sincerely hope they are at peace, but at the same time I also feel immense pain for those they have left behind asking that unanswerable question, “Why?”

I’m glad I’m a coward, and that my risk taking is minimal, I’ve been to some very dark places in the past, but now I handle things a great deal better. I love life so much, I love those around me and value the most simplest of things. Nothing is more precious than life. All life.

Sometimes you have to venture close to the edge to really appreciate just what you have got.

If you ever wobble, if you ever have those dark thoughts, reach out to someone. I promise you, nothing, nothing at all is really that bad.

I’m here. I’m a coward, and by god am I pleased about that.

Stay safe. Be kind.

The history

Why are we cancelling everything?

What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?

In respect of my heritage, history has always fascinated me, and now it annoys me in equal measures.

What fascinates me as it always has, since back in my childhood days, is that I love to know how people worked, lived and managed to survive in a period of time when just one random off the cuff comment could have you accused of many a crime. God forbid if you said anything about the establishment as you’d probably be missing your head before too long.

And the annoying part is that we are in a society where groups of individuals are wanting to cancel everything. People are wanting to wipe out history because they disagree with what happened. That’s history folks! The fact that we don’t (in general, good society, anyway) go around inflicting on the populace accusations of “Witchcraft” “Heresy” and whatever, means we have learned something from that history. We generally don’t make the mistakes of the past as we have become better people and learned from that horrific history that pre dates us all.

She’s right….

I can’t get enough of history, it’s potentially my favourite subject and I will gladly overdose on it in either book or film format. I just love it.

I don’t feel the urge to go and lop off someone’s head, or to take part in hanging, drawing and quartering anyone (not today anyway….) and that’s because we have all learnt, and moved on from those terrible times. We learn from the mistakes of the past, and to wipe out history leaves us in the unenviable position of not knowing the difference between right and wrong, we might as well all go and bury our heads in the sand and just imagine it never happened.

I have news for you Sherlock, it did happen, and as long as we learn, develop and make better then we are being taught by our historical misdemeanours, hopefully to never venture back to those dark old days.

Cancelling solves nothing. In the words of the Jamaican activist- Marcus Garvey,

“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots”

And he isn’t wrong, I used to have a tee shirt with that on it in my teenage years..

History, it shapes our futures. Don’t cancel it.

Have a superb day…

World mental health day

World mental health day and men’s arrogance and reluctance to talk

I just wanted to share a post that was sent to me. Today is World mental health day, and this is one of the most hard hitting, and well formed videos that I think I have ever seen. It was produced by Norwich City football club here in the Uk, and in my eyes it is probably one of the best pieces of film I have ever watched, simply just asking you to keep an eye on friends and colleagues. Simple and straight to the point.

Here in the Uk 40% of deaths in males under the age of fifty, is a result of poor mental health. A horrendously high amount you must agree, and totally avoidable if everyone was just more aware of subtle changes of those around us. Have a look at the video in the link below, it’s hard hitting as the outcome is not what you’d expect.

I have in the last couple of weeks dealt with my 20th fatality on the railway, no one explained in the beginning, on the job description, that my job would involve such horrendous outcomes, and I have witnessed scenes that I would not wish upon anyone. Do I suffer? I’d tell you no, to your face, but sometimes I’m in utter turmoil.

But I have a peer group at work, that are there for me, we are all there for each other as we get no support from work to be honest. If we didn’t talk to each other, and offer words of comfort and reassurance, I’d hate to know where any of us would be now.

Men are stubborn sods full of false bravado, I’m one of them, and I’m great at pulling the curtains over a difficult situation. Smiling eyes I might have, my confidence may seem through the roof, but in the quiet periods or the wee dark hours, I’m asking myself questions i do not know the answers to.

I’m praying I never attend another fatality, but in reality I know another one is never far away, I’m lucky that I have the support of my colleagues to see me through, we talk, we drink tea.

Talking works. It saves lives. And lets people know they are not alone.

You are not alone, and will never be. Don’t let those thoughts rule your head, those thoughts need to be out in the open. They are poison, and the poison needs to be let. Talking helps.

Stay safe. You are not alone.

1986

What were your parents doing at your age?

When my parents were at my current age it would have been 1986. They were probably doing their best to just get by, and they both had multiple jobs. I remember a few details from this period as there were some significant goings on around this time.

My mother would have been a shop worker in a local store as well as a cleaner at the company i worked for. I would have been in the photographic industry about four years at this time, i would have had a darkroom in the spare bedroom and would have probably been on my third computer at this point. I’d have ditched the Sinclair ZX81 and the Commodore Vic 20 and I’d probably be trying to master the Amstrad CPC464. I loved the start of the computer era, as did a lot of my friends at the time.

I had my first SLR camera around this time and that would have probably been a Praktika. I was saving as much as i could, to try and purchase my all time favourite camera at the time, and in fact it is still my favourite of all time to this very day. A jet black Canon A1.

I know that i was heavily into photography at This time, as i took one of the most iconic photos i have ever taken in my family history, of my father. I have it to this day. He was leaning on a coal bunker in the garden, it was a beautiful sunny day and i took it, and processed the film and enlarged the photos in my little darkroom in the spare bedroom, on a Gnome enlarger. It was a black and white photo and it represented a turning point in all of our lives.

He had just had a heart attack, and he suffered a deep immersive depression that he never really came out of. Please don’t misunderstand me he lived for another 21 years with no other medical issues, however he had changed and became highly abusive to my mum, my little sister and me. He was heavily into alcohol at this stage, and we were paying the price. I had to grow up quick as i became the protector of my Mother and sister, it was hard and i was not prepared. We were the only ones at home at the time as my two elder brothers and elder sister had all left at that point, and boy how we suffered big time. Our lives were changed the very day his heart attack occurred.

He was a very good electrician, he had been an aircraft electrician but was now working for a local building company, he was also a part time baker.

In the next few years my mother would lose all her brothers and sisters as time took its toll. Father would lose his mother and sister and the family began to dwindle in size.

But thats enough of the bad as its all in the past and though i never forget what happened, i have to move on with my own life for purposes of maintaining sanity.

I loved the 80”s as the world was opening up and starting to develop technologically, however i do believe the older generations did struggle. It’s strange really as it is a mirror image for us older generations today, with some of the things that are going on around us currently. Perhaps all generations have their own Groundhog Day periods.

Here are some points of interest that also occurred back in 1986

  • Plans were announced between the UK and France to build the channel tunnel
  • The space shuttle Challenger exploded just after its launch
  • Halley’s Comet makes a show
  • The Soviet Mir space station is launched
  • Microsoft goes on the stock market
  • The Chernobyl nuclear plant explodes
  • Argentina wins the World Cup
  • The M25 motorway – The UK’s biggest car park opens officially

A lot happened that year and these are just a small selection of them. However the dynamics of my family changed that year and what occurred from that point on will never be forgotten . WordPress really couldn’t have chosen a worse time line to talk about for me than this one I’m afraid, but then, it’s good to get it out there.

However, time moves on, wounds heal and we all learn. This is why it is important that we don’t erase our past, otherwise how will we ever learn to be better people and treat others with the mutual respect and belonging they all so rightly deserve.

Have a lovely day, everyone.

A day with those who have gone before

Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end.

If just for 24hrs you could be with those you miss the most, those who have gone before you who have left you with so many unanswered questions, this would be the perfect day.

To spend more time with loved ones, to walk another mile with them, hold hands and just look at that reassuring smile, how lovely would that be?

Talking with them to the point that comfort and assurance is restored and having those doubts and worries brushed away. To know they really are happy, well and worry free, and that you are loved and still looked after, wouldn’t that just be perfect?

The end of the day would come, you’d be upset for sure, you’d say gentle goodbyes, but this time you’d be smiling, what a difference to the last time you parted company. You could now live the rest of your life free and without the worries and doubts of your past to haunt you. No more grieving.

Never again to ask the question, “What if?” as you’d already have the answers.

What a lovely day that would be❤️

Our total love and devotion

If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?

As I’m sure, anyone at all that pays any attention to what is written in these posts, will know we lost our best friend Alf, our beloved pet dog on 16th August last year. There’s probably a lot of you out there who are probably saying,“ For gods sake man just get on with it”.

Easier said than done I’m afraid. If you read the facts and figures, animal grief is just so real, especially in an animal loving country such as ours.

I’ve never really experienced it in such a manner before, but this time we’ve really struggled. I think I summed it up at its peak here: Is there a cure for a broken heart 💔 . There are a number of other posts about him but this one sums up the raw feelings when we lost him.

We’ve never been able to have children in our life, it’s complicated. Especially when you spend your life with the most wonderful woman who would have made the most fantastic mother, it really is heartbreaking to see her interactions with children and the love she shows them. Then in the quiet moments I really see how it affects her. All I can do is comfort her.

Alf – our little fellah

This is where Alf strolls in. He was to us, what was always out of reach, a kind of surrogate if you like. It was fate how we found him and he had the starring role in our lives for eleven beautiful years.

To answer the question: If I could make my pet understand one thing? It would be:

You were our love, our confidante our life. Our most precious companion. And we miss you so much.

Yes it’s more than one thing I know. But when a kindly loving soul enters your life and has such an effect on it, you just can’t label them with one singular credit, one word, It just can’t be done.

Life is a strange voyage. Sometimes when you can’t have something, you are blessed with the most perfect alternative. I believe we were blessed. His time came and he had to move on. I just hope some where, another couple who have maybe suffered similar issues as we did, are now experiencing some wonderful “Alfie” time. That little fellah truly had wings.

Love you for always lad.

Peace.

It’s unconditional

Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

It was the 14th February 2018. Happy Valentine’s Day. I was told I had a cancerous tumour.

I was numb. We went out the following day for a lovely walk and all we did was discuss the elephant in the room throughout that whole trip. Even looking at the photos of that day I can see the false smile on my face as well as the concern on my wife’s.

False smile, worry in her eyes, not a good day

I went into serious withdrawal from life, as I knew it. I suffered severe depression. I didn’t share my feelings with the one person who knew me best. I kept it all to myself and it was all too much, I broke down. It was my problem, I’ll deal with it. But I couldn’t. I needed help.

That one person, sat beside me, she cried with me and she comforted me. She cuddled me. She stayed with me and she didn’t let me go.

It was at that point I experienced absolute unconditional love. There was a warmth that went through me, it’s as if she had taken all my worries and concerns and put them away for me, I’ve always said she’s an angel and she has this amazing ability to take away my problems and make my whole life better.

And I didn’t even share my feelings with her. That’s so wrong. I felt so guilty.

Guess what, I share absolutely everything with her now, nothing is held back, the silly issues, the concerns and worries. And you know what, her arms encase me again, that love flows through me as it always does and has done. I feel nothing but love, and it is my life’s task to ensure she feels just the same.

We beat the big C, or should I say it’s at the back of our minds and doesn’t overwhelm us anymore. When we talk about it we use the name “Fred”. The “C” word is no longer used in our home. It’s banished. It’s a horrible word, and my lovely lady did this to make our life less stressful.

My Angel. My Wife. My life.

Peace.

Anger and hate – Why?

I’m not going to answer today’s daily prompt as WordPress sometimes asks some quite pathetic questions. Who really cares what my 5 favourite foods are or what the last things are that I did for play purposes. If you want to get some good interactions then ask about real life issues, if you want to know what someone has had for dinner then mosey on over to Fakebook or one of its sibling sites.

Today I’m talking Anger and hate, as I’ve experienced it big time in the last few days and I don’t really understand why.

I work hard. Very hard and it’s a thankless task at times. In my job I have to keep transport moving and people safe, however, occasionally one collapses and the other suffers. A young girl with serious issues, had this week presented herself, wandering out onto high speed train lines wearing just pyjamas bringing the system to a halt. I’m one of the first on scene, I arrange protection for everyone ensuring that trains aren’t moving near us and we then go about the task of recovering her and getting her to a place of safety. We achieve this and after a short while she is taken away and given support from a medical team. She is safe, it is all that matters, a life has been saved and it’s about as good as a day gets, but then I meet members of the public who’s travel plans have been ever so slightly disrupted, and it is disturbing and disgusting what I now experience.

“Why didn’t you just let her get hit by the train?”

“She’s ruined my F***ing day as I’m now late”

“People like that deserve to die”

I could go on, and the personal abuse I received questioning my parentage was not much better. It was pure bile and hate and that is why I ask why is there so much anger and hate about today?

What have we become as a society when your lives are arranged in such a way that a small delay brings out the absolute worst in you.

Why is so much anger present in society, even I walked away from this situation and wondered why I had even bothered.

I never use the word “Hate” anyone in my family will tell you that, and I will always pull someone up when they use that word. It’s an awful word, and there is far too much of it in this world. Dislike is a simpler word and can always be worked upon to improve a situation. It’s always easier to turn dislike into something more positive, however hate is a cancerous word that that can rarely be eliminated, it poisons the mind and very quickly kills all manner of rationality.

I work alone, I help get teams together to achieve common goals, the main one being to get transport from point “a” to point “b” safely. Sometimes we are challenged and have to work hard to achieve this goal, but we are always doing our very best. We work in the background and you probably wouldn’t even see us on a daily basis keeping everyone safe, but we are always there, always looking out for issues. Always looking out for you.

But it seems there is (hopefully a minority) an underbelly of society who are so selfish, that they are a danger to their fellow humans, they seem to have lost all reasoning, and common decency and this seems to be eating away at our core values as a social and caring society.

It’s been a tough week and I dare say on the run up to Christmas and just beyond that we will, experience more of these incidents. But guess what?

I will be there, I will do my job, I will put an arm around each of these individuals ( if they allow me) and tell them that I care and that I will be with them whilst they are my responsibility, they need this. I will think about them, no doubt for a long time after the incident and wish them all the very best.

For the irate passenger though I will feel sorrow, for the way they feel and act, and I will dislike that, however they can easily change their ways and become that better person.

Be that better person yourself, don’t hate upon anyone and just try to make life that much better for someone less fortunate, you just don’t know what they are going through.

You will feel a warmth in your body that you may never have felt before. That’s peace and contentment. Spread that feeling, this old world needs a lot more of it.

Have a safe and happy day.

The total opposite

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

I like to normally stay upbeat, but these recent prompts have really got me thinking. I know everyone wants to see the “Yes my life is perfect” answers, but I’m afraid you’ll have to head to Insta and Fakebook for those replies. To be honest looking back at the last year it’s been fairly “Shit” to be honest.

Now I’m not going to fill this post with my woes and issues as there are a lot of people out there that have had it a damn sight worse than me, but the question has been asked and I have to answer it truthfully.

The family is on the point of breaking up due to “family” things, there has been illness, emergencies and grief by the bucket load, however myself and my wife have managed to keep smiling through it all, hiding exactly what we feel on the inside. As I have stated, there are others out there that have had it a lot worse, and to be honest my thoughts and prayers lay with them. Being a strong willed couple, my Wife and I can overcome much that life throws our way, and hopefully we have enough left in reserve to help others who may not have that support to fall back on.

So yes, we’ve had a bad year, just like a lot of people, but we have also learned from our discomfort, pain and uncertainty.

So through mild adversity we remain united and strong, and that is a good sign….isn’t it? I guess all is not that bad, once you have faced the pain and issues head on.

Stay safe everyone.

End of life

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

That has to be ending the life of a much loved and cherished member of the family, a pet.

In our married life we have had three wonderful little Bichon Frise dogs, who we have rightly or wrongly treated as our children, they have wanted for nothing and had the best that we could bestow on them. We have never had children as we can’t, we obviously upset someone in a previous life and that privilege and pleasure has been taken away from us. We needed surrogates and the dogs were those stand ins. We were very happy.

There comes a time where you have to let go, you notice changes in an animals behaviour, the little whimpers, the constant sleep and the inability to do things, the little looks you get and the realisation that their quality of life is deteriorating. Decisions have to be made.

That final journey to the vets, me driving, my wife cuddling the little package on the back seat and the fight to see through the flood of tears that are clouding your eyes.

The vets bench, the dogs wagging his tail, he’s ok you think, but he’s not. The injection to subdue him, he rests, the second injection and then he’s gone.

The lonely drive home knowing you have left a family member behind, the sadness you are going to feel everyday going forward.

The little things you miss, the what ifs? that suddenly come to mind and the guilt you feel for ending a perfect little life.

We’ve done that three times now and it hurts so damned much, I don’t think we will ever be able to do it again as the pain is just unbearable.

Life is full of hard decisions, but when it ends in the death of a much loved companion, I just don’t think there are many such decisions that are harder to make.

Peace to all. Be safe.