Tag: pain

Journal – Post nine

It’s been 5 days since my last post in the journal. It continues to be a lonely old week as the wife is still away at our friend’s house. Health wise she is now getting the attention that she needed, a care plan is in place and her support network is now better than it ever was. Fingers crossed it’s all looking positive with the occasional wobble.

Living apart for a short while really makes you appreciate what you have, it also brings a dose of reality as you experience what some people have no control over, makes you think.

Just one more shift at work and I can drive down to see them both on Friday morning, I’m really excited about that.

Been a strange week at work, a lady threw herself under a train as a train was passing through at 90mph, the call went up for our response and the controller informed us we had one under a train. However that train passed over her, and she got up after it had passed and climbed back on the platform. I have never seen anything like it, the amount of equipment that hangs under these trains would normally rip you to pieces. How the heck she survived this and lived to tell the tale is a mystery to me. Needless to say we breathed a sigh of relief as we were not going to be needed to collect what was left of her. I believe she is resident at a local mental health unit, we have far too many of these issues on our route with those that are seriously unwell. It’s getting worse.

(Amended 31/10 unfortunately the same lady was successful in her attempt to end her life today. I feel sorry for my colleagues and I who were heavily involved, we didn’t need to be brought into this issue but we unfortunately were. She got what she wished for. I hope she has found peace)

I’ve purchased a few items to repair this week, all items that will be going on the site in the coming weeks. I have about a dozen draft posts awaiting completion, most of them are still awaiting parts before I can finish them off. I’ve also brought myself a new Multimeter, the previous one (good though it was) has been giving some spurious readings of late, so I thought it was time for an upgrade. Should be a game changer for me as there’s a multitude of other tests this one is capable of that the older one wasn’t.

Enjoy Halloween if that’s your thing, Here in the East Midlands it’s Diwali being celebrated this week so if that’s your thing – Happy Diwali – Stay safe. Be happy.

To be the best version

What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

That’s easy. It’s to be the best version of me I can possibly be. It’s what everyone I know and love deserves at the very least.

And I continually fail.

I’m not very good at being the best version of me.

I won’t give up though, you’ll just have to put up with the current version until the updated version comes along.

Sorry about the delay, it’s just so damn difficult at times, and when you think you are getting there something knocks you back.

That’s life, it’s a series of walls put in front of you that you have to climb. It’s just the walls are now getting more difficult to scale.

Peace to your lovely faces.

Alfs memorial shelf

I know I go on about him and I’m not ashamed of talking about him. He was a massive part of our life, and if you have never experienced the unconditional love of a pet I suggest you get one, you are missing out.

Alf, and footprint. Now complete with photo.

Today we needed one final picture to go into the frame that was supplied by the vet with his footprint made into a cast, taken when he passed away.

We now have these items on a shelf in a bookcase in the corner of the room. That’s now Alf’s shelf and it’s all about him.

Alf’s shelf

We come here and speak to him, we wish him good morning and good night and regularly tell him what a good boy he is. We cry here, I’m doing it now, how does such a beautiful, peaceful loving creature get taken away, why do we have to suffer grief.

That’s life I suppose. We were given a gift when he came into our care, and we absolutely cherished that opportunity we were given. But we want more. And we can’t have it. You can truly have too much of a good thing, a sizeable piece of us disappeared when Alf passed.

I know at the beginning I said if you have never experienced the unconditional love of a pet then get one. I add a caveat to that, just be prepared to have your heart and feelings ripped into a million pieces when they leave you.

If you are not prepared or can’t do it, then don’t. You are not ready yet.

I’m not soft, I’m free with my feelings, I can be tough when I have to be, and believe me, cross me or my family and you’d know. But here we have 5 kilos of fluff that just stole our hearts.

Grief is a bastard. But it’s one of those feelings in life you sign up to as part of the bargain of existence.

Peace to you all.

Trust

Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

I think I’ve stated in an earlier post that i believe myself to be a pretty good judge of character. This happens in my case fairly quickly, and though sometimes people say it’s wrong to judge someone that quickly it has saved me from some pain and discomfort in the past. That all comes down to one word.

Trust.

And in many cases lack of it. People go on about being disrespected, it’s thrown about today as if it’s a badge out of a jamboree bag, a god given gift to be demanded, whereas as a child I was told respect needed to be earned before it was given and I’ve always stuck to that what I have been taught. Trust ties in perfectly with this and again needs to be earned before it is handed out.

I’ve been stung a number of times when I’ve dropped my standards occasionally in the past regarding these words, it won’t happen again.

Yes it might make me appear a miserable old git, but at least I’m a protective miserable old git that’s no longer going to be taken for a ride.

Have a good day all.

Alfie’s ready to come home…

That was the call we’ve just had from the vets. A lovely and quite melancholy call to be honest, just as if he’s had a minor procedure and he has awoken and is now ready to come home.

Reality is a little more stark. We are now heading down to collect our little fellah after he has been cremated.

Our beautiful lad has come home

We didn’t know what to expect to be honest, do we take a bag? Is he in a polythene bag? My wife was upset as she’d taken the call as I had been on nights and was in bed. I had this overwhelming feeling yesterday that he’d be coming home today, so in a way when I awoke I wasn’t surprised, strange isn’t it?

We needn’t have fretted, it was all so professional. He’s in a lovely woodland scene tube, we didn’t want a sealed casket as we wanted his ashes to go with ours in the end, please don’t judge us, it’s what we want and you will never understand just what this little character meant to us.

Paw print
Lock of hair
A beautiful paw print photo frame

We also have a certificate of individual cremation, with lovely words, we have a lovely little picture frame memento with his paw print, we now have to pick a picture from the thousands we have of him, no easy task and I suspect we will have words about this. The vets have taken a cutting of his fur and put it in a small phial, lovely touch. We have two beautiful cards with his paw print on, and I will be using one of these to get a permanent tattoo on my arm with his pet name as he was known to many in the family- “Alfie Moon”.

The feeling in the house at the moment is nice, all the doubt we had has now gone, and we are so happy with the professional service we have experienced.

We can now move on to the healing stage, as he is now home. It’s so weird that the immense feeling of grief has lifted and a modicum of calmness and happiness has returned, it needed to as it had been missing for some time now.

Our lad is home, where he deserves to be. And he will be with us forever more.

Welcome home son ❤️

A day of necessary chores

Anyone who’s picked up on these posts of mine of recent days will know that we lost a very important member of our family on Friday just gone. Our dog Alfie went to sleep after suffering a number of ailments over the past years, culminating in a steep decline in his quality of life in the last couple of months.

It’s a tough and harrowing decision to make, bringing an end to a life that has brought nothing but intense joy and happiness to yours for the last 11yrs and 3 months.

But we had to do it, he couldn’t suffer anymore.

The hole that opened up in our family that day was immense. We stopped eating, our diet has been tears and cuddles and just constantly comforting each other. Along with this now is a list of chores that have to be done, like it or not his stuff has to be sorted, what do we keep? What do we donate? What do we dispose of?

Me, I want to keep it all but I have to be realistic, we don’t want to delete him from our memories as that will never happen, we don’t want to remove his presence from our home as it was his as well as ours. However there are unfortunate animals out there that would greatly benefit from Alf’s legacy and that’s what today is about.

Firstly we return to the vets, we have cards and gifts for the staff there who have all been super towards our little lad, we’re not looking forward to this but it has to be done, we have to settle his account as we left there Friday broken and gibbering wrecks.

Secondly we head to the Local dogs trust homing centre where we can donate Towels, Bedding and an elderly dog stroller

Thirdly we will go to the local hospice shop where we can donate other items, that again will help this wonderful charity.

It’s going to be hard, the house is going to be a little emptier today. But his legacy will be that he is helping others both canine and human, and isn’t that a wonderful thing.

I’m sure I will write a lot more about him on here and I’m not apologetic for that at all. My wife and I are still very raw about his passing and we will breakdown at a moments notice, however we are supporting each other, and doing what we can to ease the pain, and not forget him. Walks and talks are now our priority, it helps.

It’s amazing how, you can fall so madly in love with an animal, another species. Life really is wonderful and heartbreaking in equal measures.

Peace to you all

Raw emotions

What do you enjoy most about writing?

Recently it’s been a great release for me. I have been able to express myself with raw emotion, writing through tear stained eyes and a pain in my heart that seems to grow day by day.

With writing you can capture the moment, whether good, bad or indifferent, it’s truly your personal history being documented.

For me, it’s my journal, it helps me get things in perspective. And due to the trauma of recent days, when people make contact it’s good to be able to send a link : Is there a cure for a broken heart 💔 and then they can read the post and instantly know how you are feeling. It’s hard to talk when emotions are so raw.

That’s what I enjoy about writing.

Be nice all, make someone’s day.

Peace.

Oxymorons are sometimes helpful

What positive emotion do you feel most often?

Difficult one this. I class myself as an optimistic pessimist, it’s a bit of an oxymoron I know but I can’t think of how else to label it.

I’m always prepared for the worst and I upset myself easily there, but I’m also looking for positives to ease the pain I guess. We currently have a situation going on where over the last few days I’ve really been no use to anyone, I’m breaking down a lot, mainly in private but I’ve been caught a couple of times and then I feel shame. I don’t know why but I do.

I’m sticking with my label, if I didn’t I think I’d go over the edge as I tend to think too deeply.

I shouldn’t be looking to the future as that can change in a heartbeat and why should I worry about what hasn’t even happened yet?

But I do.

I need to be thinking of the moment and nothing more.

That’s hard to do.

Peace all.

That’s all folks

List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.

  • You will be born
  • You will live a life
  • You will be taxed for everything
  • You will make good choices
  • You will make bad decisions
  • You will experience deep joy
  • You will experience excruciating pain
  • You will grieve
  • You will love
  • You will die

You choose your direction in life. Make it good.

Peace to all.

The Gall of it

Have you ever had surgery? What for?

Fortunately I have only had two operations in my life. The first was for a knee damaged whilst running. Not in one particular run, but over a period of time as I did most of my running on hard surfaces. This aggravated my right knee and I had to have debridement of the knee cap as it had developed spurs that were aggravating the tendons and such. The op went ok but it has never been the same since. That op was around 2005, I’ve never run since. Hey ho.

London Marathon 2002

The other operation was my Gall bladder. I’d developed what they call a porcelain Gall bladder, this means the actual organ had started to calcify, and the pain I experienced in the months prior to this operation I would not wish on my worst enemy, it was awful.

That operation was a total success and everything has been fine since. I even to this day have a fairly substantial collection of stones in a medical sample pot that were handed over to me after the operation as evidence of what I’d been carrying.

Gall stones

Now if I have guests who have overstayed their welcome, a quick shake of the sample pot and starting to talk about my operation is normally sufficient enough to get them putting their coats on and saying their goodbyes.

Have a safe and happy day.