Tag: happiness

Thank god I’m a coward

There’s nothing wrong with being a coward. There are some risks just not worth taking.

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

Twice in my life I have been a coward. And I’m quite pleased that I was, in fact I have great comfort in being a coward, it has made me a better person. I took a risk on two occasions, but I was unable to follow through as intended,

Twice in the past I have tried to take my own life.

I’m writing this post, so as you can see I was unsuccessful.

Thank the Lord.

I took a risk, I didn’t want to take it, but was prepared to do so.

When you finally get to those places and times in your life, when you just can’t take no more, rational thought and actions go out of the window. For some reason you are unable to see a good outcome, nothing can release you from this blanket of blackness that has now surrounded you and has become your cocoon, the item that protects you from the outside world. Your waiting room between here and the other side….whatever and wherever that may be.

My first attempt was an overdose, I was only a teenager, probably about 17 – 18 years old, the result of a failed relationship that I probably thought was the best thing that had happened in my life, it wasn’t, that occurred about 7 years later when I met the love of my life who is with me today. Being a coward then, made me realise what I would have missed out on if I had not been a coward that day, life truly does get better, I was a teenager, I had little life experience but was ready to throw away the best and most precious gift I had ever been given – life. It’s that simple.

The second time was probably back in the early 90s, I was on the railway as a train guard/revenue officer. I had in a small period of time had a knife pulled on me on two separate occasions, I had been assaulted, and was also followed home where my home had all of its windows smashed – all because of the work I was doing. I duly had a breakdown. People who were friends and colleagues distanced themselves from me, in the 90s the mental side of things was a taboo subject, and I was now the target for ridicule and derision from those I worked with. I wandered on to the tracks of the north bound Northern line underground at Euston station, and was saved by a friendly individual working in the same business as me. I was very ill and was taken home, the only help i received was being given a couple of weeks off before resuming work in a light duties role with some of those that had only weeks before ridiculed me.

I had only been married a few months when this had occurred and I remember the reaction from my wife when she found out, she was beside herself, she had not known how I felt, I disguised things so well and she was rightly angry with me for not talking to her. But that’s not the done thing for us blokes is it?

But I was willing in those moments to give up on everyone who loved me, how bloody selfish was that?

Again though, I looked back again and thought to myself, what the hell are you doing? Those problems where solvable, they didn’t need to overwhelm me so much, nothing was that bad.

And there is where it lies.

Nothing is that bad that you really have to look at ending it all to solve your problems. I realise that now, and I’m so inherently thankful that I have that “coward” gene set firmly within my psyche.

When I think of all the fantastic things I have seen and done, all the wonderful people I have had the pleasure in meeting in that time, this would not have been at all possible if I’d decided to carry those actions out in the past.

I see the kids stressing out over exam results, struggling to meet their parents expectations, and thinking that they are failures, unfortunately you always hear of a few who succumb to that black cloak of depression. I just wish I could have a few minutes with them to just let them know how needed they are and how fabulous they are going to be. It’s such an unnecessary waste of wonderful people.

It’s strange to know I am still in the business of the railway, and to be honest I spend much of my time either reaching out to individuals or being the first on the scene when they are brave enough to carry out their final actions under that awful cloak of depression. I always say a prayer for them, and I sincerely hope they are at peace, but at the same time I also feel immense pain for those they have left behind asking that unanswerable question, “Why?”

I’m glad I’m a coward, and that my risk taking is minimal, I’ve been to some very dark places in the past, but now I handle things a great deal better. I love life so much, I love those around me and value the most simplest of things. Nothing is more precious than life. All life.

Sometimes you have to venture close to the edge to really appreciate just what you have got.

If you ever wobble, if you ever have those dark thoughts, reach out to someone. I promise you, nothing, nothing at all is really that bad.

I’m here. I’m a coward, and by god am I pleased about that.

Stay safe. Be kind.

The history

Why are we cancelling everything?

What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?

In respect of my heritage, history has always fascinated me, and now it annoys me in equal measures.

What fascinates me as it always has, since back in my childhood days, is that I love to know how people worked, lived and managed to survive in a period of time when just one random off the cuff comment could have you accused of many a crime. God forbid if you said anything about the establishment as you’d probably be missing your head before too long.

And the annoying part is that we are in a society where groups of individuals are wanting to cancel everything. People are wanting to wipe out history because they disagree with what happened. That’s history folks! The fact that we don’t (in general, good society, anyway) go around inflicting on the populace accusations of “Witchcraft” “Heresy” and whatever, means we have learned something from that history. We generally don’t make the mistakes of the past as we have become better people and learned from that horrific history that pre dates us all.

She’s right….

I can’t get enough of history, it’s potentially my favourite subject and I will gladly overdose on it in either book or film format. I just love it.

I don’t feel the urge to go and lop off someone’s head, or to take part in hanging, drawing and quartering anyone (not today anyway….) and that’s because we have all learnt, and moved on from those terrible times. We learn from the mistakes of the past, and to wipe out history leaves us in the unenviable position of not knowing the difference between right and wrong, we might as well all go and bury our heads in the sand and just imagine it never happened.

I have news for you Sherlock, it did happen, and as long as we learn, develop and make better then we are being taught by our historical misdemeanours, hopefully to never venture back to those dark old days.

Cancelling solves nothing. In the words of the Jamaican activist- Marcus Garvey,

“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots”

And he isn’t wrong, I used to have a tee shirt with that on it in my teenage years..

History, it shapes our futures. Don’t cancel it.

Have a superb day…

Dwarf sunflower

Just a tiny sunflower

Planted these from seed a few months back and they seem to be a dwarf sunflower. It’s only about 18 inches tall and it’s in full flower. Needs support though as the stalk is about half the circumference of my little finger. Looks lovely though.

Always the radio

What do you listen to while you work?

As a child of the 60s, Tv was very much still in its infancy and has never really had a hold on me. To this day I watch very little Tv whereas my wife is the total opposite, and all those Tv subscriptions really add up.

I however prefer the radio, always have done and always will do, you can take the Tv away and I truly would not miss it for a single second.

I was brought up on radio, the excitement of owning your very own transistor radio that went everywhere with you. In bed late at night listening to those old sports broadcasts as well as walking the streets with it permanently held to your ear listening to your favourite channel, way before Walkmans and MP3 players got in on the act.

The radio I always have on in my workspace

I learnt about radio at an early age, how it worked, who invented it as well as participating in its experimental usage as I grew up, I even took the RAE exam and got my City and guilds qualification in radio, I became a radio Amateur and the experimentation went up a few notches. I think this is where my fascination in repairing all these devices comes from, an incessant, absolute thirst for knowledge and a fascination in just knowing how things work.

I sit in my little work area and have a simple radio I recently repaired, set on my station of choice, and in the Uk that is “Boom radio”. It plays my type of music and still has familiar DJs I grew up with as a child, I’m stuck in a fantastical time warp.

Radio, I use it all the time, and to me it will always be the premier medium of entertainment that i will always turn to.

Have a great day.

Brothers Memorial Day

My dear brother John succumbed to the “Bastard” that is Cancer ten years ago.

He was a lovely guy, fun to be with and the family compared him to a character who used to be on UK television called “Arthur Daley”. Anyone who knew that character would know why we made the comparison with John, as he’d be involved in everything all totally Kosher of course….cough,cough.

A decision was made at his wake that we’d have a family day, once a year at one of his favourite spots, Cassiobury park in Watford. And yesterday was the tenth anniversary meeting, it was a lovely day, however the weather didn’t really behave itself. Despite Watford have plus 30 degree days for getting on for a week now, yesterday the rain decided to hit in near biblical quantities. But did it dampen the day? No, we all had a great time and it was great to see everyone.

Cassiobury park in Watford

I lived for 54 years in Watford and never really liked the place, I really dislike going there but sometimes you just do what you have to do. It’s no big sacrifice is it? But there is no doubt about it that the park at Cassiobury is one of the finest, most beautiful public spaces I have ever visited in this country, it really is a stunning well kept and huge piece of parkland that you really should visit if you are ever in the area.

The normal agenda is for us all to meet at a local hotel and then wander off to the park with a picnic, seats and numerous bats, balls, frisbees and whatever, to have a good afternoon of laughter and sporting activity, that normally results in aches, pains and strains for the older participants that I can truly relate to as I write this post this morning.

There were 21 of us on this on this occasion, from all around the country, Southampton, Leeds, Wales and everywhere else in between. It really was a superb turnout and just shows how much John was loved.

A good turnout, the weather held out for a while

I often like to have a wander, and as I previously stated it’s a massive park and deserves to be explored so here are a few pics to show it off

A lovely clean park

About 5pm the weather was drawing in and we decided to move out of the park, however we weren’t quick enough, the rain hit – heavy, and we were caught out. Thankfully we had some umbrellas ☔️ and we made our way back towards the hotel. Myself and my wife were bringing up the rear and we stopped under a tree, in the park and just watched the rain. It was beautiful, a calm and lovely moment in a world of total chaos, the only two people in our own little world, it was just one of those photographic moments that your mind creates for future reference.

The rain hit, and created a beautiful memory

Back to the hotel to dry off, and then we were out to a local eatery for a meal, 21 people into a restaurant is a feat of organisation itself, and thanks go to the ladies in the group for doing that without a hitch.

We left Watford about 10pm for a drive back to the East Midlands, we said our goodbyes, made arrangement for a couple of other gatherings that are on the horizon, and had probably our best run home up the motorway that we’d had in many a year.

A superb day was had by all, it reminds me of a picture that was displayed at Johns funeral that made everyone laugh.

Says it all

Sums him up perfectly and had everyone who knew him smiling and grinning whilst nodding in agreement. It was him. And this is how we remember him.

We have a date for next years gathering, and I can’t wait.

Memories, there is nothing like creating wonderful memories. People may physically be gone from our lives, but they are never, ever, forgotten.

Thanks for reading. Have a super day.

Just a few snapshots

No words or trying to speak “Proper” here. 13 of us have just arrived back from four most beautiful days on the east coast at Norfolk. Temperatures up into the high twenties, a phenomenon not often experienced on this coast in the UK. It made for a wonderful break away, and this family bond remains as strong as ever as a result. Here are some photos to chew on, all taken with my trusty iPhone 14.

All taken in and around Gorleston and Hopton on sea- Norfolk

Have a super day, stay safe and enjoy this wonderful weather.

Hey, it’s June

Meaning just where the hell have the last six months gone. Sit back and blink and that’s half the year already gone. It’s amazing that once the better weather kicks in just how quick it just all seems to cascade by, if only you could put the brakes on time and just enjoy it a little bit longer.

The garden has bulked up after the perfect mix of rain and sunlight, and is about to abruptly burst into colour, some of them are impatiently exploding already and it’s starting to look lovely. But it will all be over too soon and that barren, bleak lack of colour will soon be on us. Oh for year round colour, if only.

Butterfly in my garden

The house is warming up, and as we are in quite an old house it’s the one time of the year when the environment isn’t controlled by the heating system, allowing a welcome break from the claws of the energy production companies. We now have the windows open.

That’s another issue. Opening windows. If like us you currently live near the intersection of two major road arteries then you will know what I’m on about. Opening the windows means you let every speeding, inconsiderate motoring manifestation into your home, like it or not. And the dirt and dust produced by vehicles throttling past your door 24hrs a day means no matter how much you dust, there will be more for you in a few minutes to remove. Maybe time goes so fast as the amount of toxicity we must be inhaling is controlling just how long we have left? Who knows?

Digitalis in the garden

Well the windows can’t stay open forever as you’d never get a good nights sleep if you wanted to, because of the boy racers and bike demons who constantly insist on revving their two and four wheeled steeds as they race off into the distant night.

We have a lovely family getaway coming up this month when about 18 of us are heading off to the East coast for a few days. The nice thing is that there is a great mix of ages from about 21 right up to the late 70s and that is wonderful, it’s great to know the youngsters want to spend time with us old farts, to be honest it’s pretty much down to them that this holiday is being arranged, oh and the usual organisational craft work of my dear wife.

On this holiday all the old fellahs, take a boat to float on the boating lake at Gorleston on the east coast. On the day we travel up, it’s always been a quick stopover and a tradition for two of the older members to float their radio controlled boats they have spent a lot of time and patience on. I’ve always jokingly threatened them that one day I’d build a submarine or military boat that would blow theirs out of the water. This year that veiled threat has been achieved and I will hopefully be joining the ranks of the family boating fraternity when I let my torpedo destroyer loose on the good folk of Gorleston. I’ve been building this boat since it was brought as a present for me by a very good family friend on my last birthday. Its construction has already been touched on, through my blog : PT109 wooden torpedo boat kit – construction and I’m hoping the build and testing of the boat will be completed and published within the next few days. It was always my goal to have it ready for this break. Let’s see what happens.

Pt109 boat kit

About now, is probably my favourite part of the year as I have discussed on here before, May & June, that period when spring kicks in and is a precursor to the oncoming summer. But as I’ve said earlier it is all over too soon.

And what a perfect canvas is currently in place for the ongoing sale of this property, yes that is in full swing now and the footprints of strangers should start being witnessed around this property very shortly….but in a way I’m not really bothered if it sells or not. I love this place apart from the negatives I’ve stated above, and as you can see they are few.

No doubt the Christmas stock is already sailing the oceans of the world to be in all our supermarkets very shortly. As if summer is not already short enough.

Whatever the season is wherever you are on this little ball of rock floating around in space, enjoy it, have fun and always spare a friendly outlook to those looking in. It doesn’t last long, so enjoy it whilst you can.

Thanks for popping by.

Operation teabag

I like to think we are quite a laid back household, easy going and fairly stress free. We have our routines and the best one of the day is the two cups of tea in the morning before considering doing anything.

But today at around 6am, a big dark cloud began to form above the house. The mood went dark and not a word was spoken, silence hung in the air.

I’d been down to make cuppa number one, i opened the caddy and a horror washed over my face and through my entire soul. How shall I break the news to my wife who is currently in a slumber, should I even wake her at all?

Only one teabag! Oh the shame and horror!

There is only one teabag 😧

We’ve both been quite ill lately and I guess the normally large supply we have in the house has dwindled as a result of not participating in much shopping.

I had a dilemma. Should I make myself one? Should I share a tea bag (Oh the horror) or should I just take her one and then break the routine and go and source more?

I went with the latter. I grabbed some breakfast and a glass of water, and then decided to go for a fairly protracted walk to get some tea. Yes I have the car and could have been a lot more expedient, however I will walk wherever I can, so i decided to skip routine and go for the walk. After first giving the last tea bag to the wife, because that’s the kind of guy I am 😉

We have tea… we can all rest now
A little 3.3 mile walk logged

Anyway, a pleasant 3.3 mile walk later and the cloud has dispersed from the house, the sun is shining and the birds are singing (you get the picture) and normality has resumed and routine has now been restored.

It’s funny how something such as tea can structure your day and how dependent you become on routine. Only when it’s broken do you realise how reliant you are on it.

Now for my two morning cuppas, nothing more is being done until this has been accomplished.

Happy day everyone.

Your favourite two songs

Of all time.

A great conversation starter, just like talking about the weather in the UK.

Music is one of those things that finely entwines itself into all our lives. We have happy sounds, sad sounds and everything in between, there are inspirational records, as well as others that take you to a distant place where you can just be a mad, wild, untamed, crazy, dancing freak of nature. Yes it’s fair to say music plays a massive role in our lives and emotions.

However if you are put on the spot and asked to choose two favourites, could you?

I have often mulled over this question through the years and i do really think that i can. As a child of the sixties i have gone through an awful lot of fads and musical genres, all the way through Swing, soul, New Romanticism, Punk, Heavy metal, classical and everything in between. My most influential years were probably the late 70s early 80s when i was starting to form my own choices as i was entering into my teenage years.

These choices by no means reflect my favourite group. That choice was made in the mid to late 80s when American rock group R.E.M came into my life and they remain firmly rooted there to this day. However their music obviously rates highly in my opinion, but neither of my favourite all time records were theirs. For some obscure reason my choices are both extremely middle of the road.

I honestly have heard so much music in my life, as i suspect has anyone else who browses this post, and i always come back to these two choices. So my mind is made up, no swaying, it is and will always be these two:

Doobie Brothers – Listen to the music

Doobie Brothers

What do i like about this record. Just spend some time listening to it, early American rock at its very best, probably 4 Guitars in perfect harmony with an absolutely fantastic rhythm, and a banjo picking around in the background adding to the atmosphere, Just a wonderful happy and upbeat song in my view, it lifts me to play it and reminds me of the hazy days of my childhood. This was 1972 when it was released, i was very young but it was a happy tune, and as a child i think that is one of the things you look for in music, good melody, easy chorus who could ask for more. And it’s stuck with me ever since.

Here’s what the songwriter Tom Johnston said at the time:

“The chord structure of it made me think of something positive, so the lyrics that came out of that were based on this utopian idea that if the leaders of the world got together on some grassy hill somewhere and either smoked enough dope or just sat down and just listened to the music and forgot about all this other bullshit, the world would be a much better place. It was very utopian and very unrealistic (laughs). It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Wikipedia

Though I didn’t even know what dope was at this age I can’t really comment. Though looking back now it seemed like a good idea.

Bellamy brothers – Let your love flow

Bellamy brothers

Another “Brother” named group. This was a crossover record from Country to mainstream and boy was it a successful crossover. 1976 was a fantastic year for me packed with great memories of being with my friends, the heatwave of that year and wonderful times wandering around with my pals just doing stuff. Again it was a record that came along at a good period in my life and has registered itself in that role ever since. Just a really good rhythm, some cracking easy to learn lyrics and a dead easy chorus, packed with loads of rhythmic guitar and passion, what a record.

So, thats it for me, two easy choices that i know will never ever change. I always have these tunes within easy reach on my phone or music player as in times of stress, worry or just when reminiscing, they are chosen and played loud. The world then for a few solitary moments is a whole better place.

That’s the power of music.

Have a super day.

Work

Do you need a break? From what?

I think I wrote a good time back about creating a good work life balance. I actually stick to that and I’m now enjoying a good separation from my workload much to the displeasure of my bosses who seem to think you are contracted to work for them 24hrs a day, 7 days a week.

Now I don’t like to disappoint people, however excessive hours were affecting both my family life and my health and ultimately that combination would have probably finished me off, and that’s no good to anyone. Now they have me working at my best, and most productive and a recent yearly review was very complimentary to me and my work ethic. So that’s a good thing👍

The real answer to the question that I’ve been skirting around is that I need a break from Work. I’m probably a couple of years away from retirement now, and I’m so looking forward to that. We already have plans in place and I’m looking forward to that final day I leave work and close the door for the last time.

I’ve done my time, it’s now time to give the youngsters a go. Let’s be honest we are only ever numbers at work, and the minute you leave someone else will be doing your role, without there ever being a second thought for you.

You’ve done your time, paid your dues it’s now time to go and enjoy your autumn years.

Peace.