Category: Thoughts

You fake

Imposter syndrome. The black dog is back.

Imposter syndrome, also known as imposter phenomenon, is a psychological experience that causes people to doubt their skills, accomplishments, and intellect. It can manifest as a persistent feeling of self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud. People with imposter syndrome may feel undeserving of their achievements . 

Wikipedia

I’ve even removed the final part from this quote, “and the high praise that they receive” as it embarrasses me.

I’ve pretty much suffered this issue the whole of my adult life, I haven’t made that diagnosis, that was made by far better qualified persons than I, that I have seen over the years. I can manage it most of the time and then for some reason I have a rotten bad day, like yesterday when I totally withdraw and slink into a dark area where I do nothing but run myself down.

You’re useless, you’re crap, you’re no good, you have no purpose, you’re a failure, you’re an arse, you’re incompetent….. you name it, anything bad, I quite openly said it to myself yesterday. I don’t know why.

All the arty stuff I’ve done recently, I just went and binned, because in my eyes it’s crap. A child could have done better, why show it to other people. You’re useless. I’ve had such a brilliant, positive attitude of late that I don’t know where this came from. It’s just as if I’m punishing myself for feeling good.

It was a bad day, and unfortunately I’ve upset those closest to me and I’ve now got to start rebuilding bridges.

It takes me to some dark places at times and I’ve controlled it so well over the last year or two, I don’t know where it came from this time.

That’s the problem with these ailments. You think you’re got it sussed and then BANG 💥 it hits you right between the eyes… it’s back, and it’s overwhelming.

It’s the retracing my steps and rebuilding those bridges I hate. I’m lucky to have understanding people around me, but just how much more can they take?

Peace.

I can’t get no sleep

3am in the morning and I’m wide awake. Damned annoying as I know what the cause is. It’s been an issue that has pestered me in excess of 30 years now and it’s called –

Shift work

Says it all

I’ve been working shifts in my job for about 35 years now and I still haven’t come across a way to get your body to adapt to all the changes that shift work burdens upon you, and number one in that list is insomnia.

Insomnia, also known as sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder where people have difficulty sleeping. They may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep for as long as desired. Insomnia is typically followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, and a depressed mood. It may result in an increased risk of accidents of all kinds as well as problems focusing and learning.

Wikipedia

As if you need it explaining to you. Now I don’t suffer from permanent insomniac conditions, mine is purely based around the segment that involves night shifts. My shifts cover 24hrs and are on a five week rolling cycle. They involve three main sets of shifts and those shifts are 0600-1400hrs, 1400-2200hrs or 2200-0600hrs and at weekends they are either 0600-1800 or 1800-0600.

I have just finished a run of 11 consecutive night shifts after one of my coworkers has been taken ill. And that’s the problem. I finished at 0600 yesterday morning and deliberately did not sleep beyond 11 am as I’m now having to swing back to daylight timings, as I now have the weekend off before transferring on to the early mornings shifts from Monday. I was suitably tired last night, in fact I was all day, but I resisted the urge to nod off as I wanted to try and fool my body clock in to getting back to normal habits. But my body clock doesn’t work like that and isn’t having it.

Over the years I have tried many ways to try and evolve my body clock to understand when moving from Night shifts to day shifts. I’ve tried not sleeping at all, but that results in irritation to all those around me, and a general malaise that is unproductive and non conducive to a friendly peaceful atmosphere. I’ve tried the couple of hours in bed routine but that again is problematic as you fall in to such a deep sleep, so quickly that whoever is tasked with waking you up undoubtedly gets both barrels and you don’t speak for the rest of the day getting labelled as a miserable old git. Or you can just go to bed and wake up when you feel fit to, as I did yesterday and here I am now, in a blacked out bedroom putting my thoughts into this post, quietly as my wife sleeps beside me.

I’m totally wide awake and ready to go. But I don’t want to go anywhere…just yet.

I know I will pay the price later today by feeling tired and tempted to take a nap, however I have to resist that temptation and try to get back to a normal sleeping pattern tonight.

I must apologise in advance to all those individuals who I will meet today who think “He’s a miserable old git.” If I’m nodding as we talk it’s not that I’m bored it’s just I’m lacking the one item you have probably had plenty of.

Sleep.

I can’t get no sleep….(to quote a superb tune)

I can’t get no sleep

There you go. I said it was a great tune.

Peace and plentiful sleep to you all. Stay safe.

Mainly Victorian…but getting there.

How has technology changed your job?

Change? What’s that?

I work on the railway, in many aspects there has been a technological change especially in the development of new rolling stock and safety aspects.

However where I am in the East Midlands we still use an awful lot of Victorian technology, and yes you travel over it every day especially if you use the line that goes between Leicester and Peterborough via Melton Mowbray. Here we have signal boxes that still use Absolute block technology with the signallers using bell codes to communicate. The signalling is the Victorian semaphore signal type and the signal boxes all have large amounts of levers to pull using a wire and pulley system to activate the signals. Most of the boxes themselves are listed buildings and can’t be renovated in any way, yes some of them are getting on for 150 years old.

In my job I spend an awful lot of time on this line, I must admit it is very safe and quite reliable, however sometimes the system has issues that need attending and due to a lot of parts being widely unavailable due to the systems age, this is when the new technology gradually gets implemented. It’s taking time but as they say on the railway….

We’re getting there.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but who knows when.

Don’t ask me 🤷‍♂️

We’re getting there.

Have a happy and safe day.

Eh…. Not often

How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?

Yes/No

To be honest my Mañana / Procrastination gene has gone into a higher gear in the last few years and I must admit I’m extremely indecisive as well. My goals, or the few I have had, have pretty much been achieved and I’m in a sort of “I don’t give a damn” cruise mode at the moment.

I don’t like saying no to anyone really, it’s just not me and I guess that’s probably why I find my place in society as one of those little worker ants rather than a high achiever. I could have done better, a common statement since school and throughout my adult years.

It kind of breaks me in two to use the word “No” and to be honest I can’t, hand on heart, say that the word has ever featured to as much as restrict my goals or accomplishments in life.

I’m ok, and I’m happy with my lot. Maybe I was just not brought up to say it. Maybe putting restrictions on demands and saying “Yes, but!” Draws a line in the sand instead, and that’s probably as close to the word “No” as I tend to get.

Probably why I’m so damned knackered 😴

Happy day all. Stay safe.

Is Apollo 11s Lunar module still in orbit around the moon?

In 1969 Apollo 11 completed the first successful landing of the human species onto another celestial object, our moon. We all know that part of the lander is still on the moon but the section of the “Eagle” that took both Armstrong and Aldrin back up to Michael Collins orbiting above in the Columbia module, could to this day still be orbiting the moon. This video by Scott Manley explains how an amateur space fan has used online tools to predict orbits and the potential position of the discarded “Eagle” 55 years later.

Is the Eagle module still orbiting the moon?

I love articles like this, for someone who was a child of the space race era, it is still a fascinating subject to this day.

A gaming device in a tin. How quaint…

Being one of those from the Ham radio community there was always a fascination with putting a Morse code transmitter into a disused Altoids tin (Other tins are available). Here and now though we have a gaming device that can fit in the same tin. Worth visiting Git hub via the link to see the actual boards and the plans for making this a kit version. I’ve signed up, let’s wait and see what happens.

A Cute Handheld Gaming Device That You Can Build In An Altoids Tin

Mr. Twelftree

Who was your most influential teacher? Why?

My School was Little Reddings in Bushey Hertfordshire. In year three and for the year following this, one man became the individual who i class as being the most influential person I have ever met in my life. Even stealing that title from my own father. I’ve written of him before but because WordPress is so repetitive with its daily quotes I’ll just post a link here from a previous post from back in 2024 and 2023.

My Primary school teacher
Me Twelftree – you legend

Have a wonderful day.

Todays Mantra

Simple:

Simple and straight to the point

Have a super day

Deep thinking it’s a burden, or is it?

As I wrote earlier today in this post, Strange dream I touched on the fact that I tend to overthink things, in fact I’m a full blown professional at it. And then, this post appears from the team at Anxiety unplugged project, and it has me thinking about it even more. But on a more positive level.

The Burden of Deep Thinking: Why Great Minds Wrestle with Anxiety
Excellent info as always

Not saying I’m a great mind at all, but some times it’s nice to blow smoke up your own tubes 😂

Earning on YouTube

I follow a number of channels on YouTube. It’s the only social media site apart from this one that I do get involved in. I have absolutely no intention of ever making a living on these platforms as to be honest I couldn’t really be arsed to.

Hugh tells you how it is

However a lot of individuals nowadays want to do just that and make their livings on line.

Now Hugh has a very interesting site for someone like me that likes anything from the retro era. He’s been without a smartphone for over a year and his progress without one has been really interesting to follow.

Hugh does earn from his online presence but to be honest it isn’t a living. He goes through the figures in this video that show all the hoops you have to jump through to earn a living from having an online presence.

Enjoy.