You fake

Imposter syndrome. The black dog is back.

Imposter syndrome, also known as imposter phenomenon, is a psychological experience that causes people to doubt their skills, accomplishments, and intellect. It can manifest as a persistent feeling of self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud. People with imposter syndrome may feel undeserving of their achievements . 

Wikipedia

I’ve even removed the final part from this quote, “and the high praise that they receive” as it embarrasses me.

I’ve pretty much suffered this issue the whole of my adult life, I haven’t made that diagnosis, that was made by far better qualified persons than I, that I have seen over the years. I can manage it most of the time and then for some reason I have a rotten bad day, like yesterday when I totally withdraw and slink into a dark area where I do nothing but run myself down.

You’re useless, you’re crap, you’re no good, you have no purpose, you’re a failure, you’re an arse, you’re incompetent….. you name it, anything bad, I quite openly said it to myself yesterday. I don’t know why.

All the arty stuff I’ve done recently, I just went and binned, because in my eyes it’s crap. A child could have done better, why show it to other people. You’re useless. I’ve had such a brilliant, positive attitude of late that I don’t know where this came from. It’s just as if I’m punishing myself for feeling good.

It was a bad day, and unfortunately I’ve upset those closest to me and I’ve now got to start rebuilding bridges.

It takes me to some dark places at times and I’ve controlled it so well over the last year or two, I don’t know where it came from this time.

That’s the problem with these ailments. You think you’re got it sussed and then BANG 💥 it hits you right between the eyes… it’s back, and it’s overwhelming.

It’s the retracing my steps and rebuilding those bridges I hate. I’m lucky to have understanding people around me, but just how much more can they take?

Peace.